Friday, July 7, 2017

Day 14

I am so sick.  😞

I am noticing that the days I am careless with my eating are very bad days.  Tuesday I got a Greek salad from Mc Donald's and ate it without the croutons or dressing.  It went right through me.  Liquid poo.  😞  Today I had popcorn at the movie theatre and then went for chicken fingers and fries at Moxie's.  Liquid poo, straight through.  I know I am dehydrated and I am feeling really really sick tonight.  But it is too hot to sleep, so I can't even sleep it off.  I'm going to try an electrolyte drink to see if it will help.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017


Feeling yucky tonight.  2 slurpees today and some alcohol tonight is what I think the cause is.  And my period starting.  

Also ate some chicken soup with soy in it at lunch and had diarrhea very shortly after.  And licked some butter cream off my finger by accident.

So, feeling yucky.  Hopefully better tomorrow.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Day 3

1. Did not practice French with Duolingo.
2. Did not mediate for 10 minutes with Mindspace.
3. Did not sing a minimum of two songs with Sing.
4. Did not exercise for a minimum of 10 minutes.
✔️5. Enter my weight, food, and exercise into MyFitnessPal daily.
✔️6. And journal here or in a book.
✔️7. Drank 4 cups of water.

Spent time with hubby, journaled in a real book, watched tv that made me cry and then something that made me laugh, stayed dairy, gluten, soy, and egg free.  May stop avoiding soy soon.

Booked a massage for tomorrow.

Ready for a great healing and refreshing sleep.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Day 2

✔️1. Practice French with Duolingo.
✔️2. Mediate for 10 minutes with Mindspace.
✔️3. Sing a minimum of two songs with Sing.
✔️4. Did not exercise, but went outside.
✔️5. Enter my weight, food, and exercise into MyFitnessPal daily.
✔️6. And journal here or in a book.
✔️7. Drank about 2.5 cups of water.

Feeling kind of constipated and dehydrated tonight.  Ready for a good night's sleep!

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Gluten/Dairy/Egg/Soy Free Day 1

Today I began this elimination diet.  It was easy to not eat any of the food I shouldn't, but in reality, I think it is because I didn't really eat anything today, which I know is not good.

My plan for tomorrow is a breakfast smoothie with almond milk, salad for lunch, and chicken breast, veggies and rice for dinner.  This might end up being my plan for every day of the next three weeks.  We'll see.

I also have made a plan to do the following every day:

1. Practice French with Duolingo.
2. Mediate for 10 minutes with Mindspace.
3. Sing a minimum of two songs with Sing.
4. Exercise for a minimum of 10 minutes.
5. Enter my weight, food, and exercise into MyFitnessPal daily.
6. And journal here or in a book.
7. I will also drink 8-9 cups of water per day.

I hope that there will be a fast improvement in my left knee joint pain, my sinus infection, my back and stomach pain, relief from diarrhea/constipation, and I am hoping for my anxiety and panic attacks to go away completely.  

And, of course a 30 lb weight loss also would be a great side effect.

So, day one.

1. I successfully avoided all dairy, gluten, eggs and soy.
2. I practiced French and became 22% fluent.
3. I meditated for 10 minutes.
4. I sang 2-3 songs.
5. I exercised.
6. I did enter my weight into MFP, but not food or exercise.
7. I'm journaling here.
8. I drank 1 can of water.

Bedtime report:  Heartburn, hunger, dark urine, possibly start of a headache.  Essential oils on abdomen-lemon, grapefruit, peppermint, and digestzen.  Also inhaled from hand.

Will listen to binaural beats for whole body healing.

Now, bedtime is on track for 11:30, and I'll sleep until at least 7:30 am.


Friday, June 23, 2017

Food allergy? Histamine Intolerance?

I have to write about my experience tonight.  

Around 6:00, I had Pizza Hut pizza - Triple Crown and Hawaiian - and some blazing Buffalo wings for dinner with Pepsi and ranch dressing.  

Shortly after I ate, I was in the bathroom with diarrhea.  After that, I felt weak and exhausted, so I climbed into bed to play on my phone.  Within half an hour, I had to lay down and close my eyes.  And then I fell into a state where I was asleep but aware of my daughter next to me colouring.  After about an hour of that, I "woke up" freezing cold with a pounding heart, and eyes and mouth so dry it was like I had been in a sandstorm.

It felt a lot like a panic attack.  Or, what I have been assuming have been panic attacks.

Before I lay down, my dog didn't seem to want to leave my side, even though my hubby (his favourite person) was calling him, and after I woke up, I had to pee really badly.  I also had heartburn, and developed a headache shortly after.

I have felt this way on Friday evenings before, more than once.

I'm considering an elimination diet and will probably go to the clinic tomorrow about my sinus infection again.  I'll try to bring up my knee pain, but there might be a one-problem-only rule.

So disappointed in the fucking world

Why is there so much hate?  Why so much disrespect?  Why are people killing each other, refusing medical services from people based on skin colour, driving into crowds, bombing kids?  Why are my kids totally walking all over me?  Why isn't my husband listening to me?  Am I even really here?

I'm so done with all this shit.  It's everywhere.  Facebook is full of horrible tragedies.  My own home is full of disrespect.  My life is not my own.

Today I thought about running away from my life.  Starting something new somewhere else.  I am so unhappy it is painful. Constantly I am trying to make things better.  Change things for the better.  Make people happy, make myself healthy.  And no one appreciates it.  Not in the smallest little bit.

I want to just stop.  But I can't, so I'll keep serving despite effects on my health.  And one day my body will make the decision for me, and I'll have relief.  And I'll be free of all this.

This week I went to the dr. because of pain in my back that I thought could be kidney related.  I mentioned my two month-long sinus infection and they found that my ears are infected.  I mentioned the knee pain I've had for the past six months and they ignored me.

I got a prescription for an anti-spasmodic for my abdomen.  ???

This must be the next step...closer to the end of this hell.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017


So my foray back into a Cipralex addiction did not last.  I took that 1/4 tab in the morning and the following night I could not wake up to deal with the dog.  Absolutely could NOT open my eyes.  So, I didn't take any more, and I decided to try to tough it out to June.

It's June 13 now, and I'm doing okay.  Life is messy, yet manageable.  The depression seems to be giving me a reprieve.  I'm trying to fix every issue that I have with my life; everything that has been weighing me down.  I have a plan with a friend to hold each other accountable to lose 10 lbs by August 1.  This week I tackled my daughter's messy messy bedroom.  I have been applying for jobs that I want to start in the fall, and I had an interview last Friday.  I don't want to get my hopes up because it would be shocking for me to jump all of the levels between where I am at currently to that one, but if I do get it, I will be thrilled!

I need to work on the boys' room next and start exercising daily, and then deal with the rest of the house, the finances, health appointments and relationships.  Seriously, everything is up in the air lately, and our fourth quarter here is going to be ridiculous.

So, just a little update here.  I think I am doing better now than I have in a long time.  And I am so very thankful.

Monday, May 29, 2017

Going back in...

I started taking Cipralex again this morning.  2.5 mg (1/4 tablet).  

I hate the startup side effects so I've been just living in my misery.  I hope the small dose and the fact that I've been on this before will make it smooth.

My last straw/deciding factor in starting up again was waking up feeling panic this morning.


Monday, May 22, 2017


It is sad.

Everything hurts me nowadays.  I don't know if I am invisible or just not important, but it really sucks.

Even the dog is against me.

I just can't keep up with it all.  😥

I probably should go back on my meds so I don't have to have feelings anymore.  It would make things so much easier.  However, I stopped using them because they weren't helping anyway.

I don't know what to do about that.

What I do know, is that I am so so very tired.

And I can't keep up with life.

And every new obstacle just breaks my heart.

And I don't know how to fix it.  The more I try to fix, the worse of a mess it is.  



Friday, May 19, 2017

Lazy butt

I have been such a lazy butt these last two days.

Last Saturday I moved around all the furniture on the main floor.  Well, I hate it.  It has to go back to what it was.  But first we need to get rid of four pieces and find an apartment-sized sectional to replace the giant couches.  This is proving to be quite difficult.

I am so slowly chipping away at these tasks.

I am looking around the house and daydreaming about dragging everything to the dumpster and starting over.  There are three days of weekend left after today.  It could still happen.

But right now, I can hear my bed calling me for a nap before youth and connection groups start.  And I'm not one to say no to my bed.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Yes, this

This quote says it all.  I feel every thing.  I consider every thing. It's all, hurt, pride, disappointment...I hold onto it all; it piles up, and sometimes I overflow a bit.  And then people tell me what I need to do to fix myself.  

And I don't like that.

I don't like that they think I am simply broken.  A weekend project with a quick fix.  A multiple choice test with the correct answer listed right next to the c).

There has always been so much stuff in my brain.  When that got full, stuff started filling my heart.  Then it started to fill up my digestive system, then my reproductive system.  Now it is piling up in my joints.

Aching.  Everywhere.

And goblets, nowhere.


Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Just let it go

I'm trying, I'm trying.

I have asked my family over and over for two things.

1)  Rinse your dishes.

2)  Clean up your own mess that your own self made.  Bad grammar, but I need to be specific so no one thinks I am tricking them into cleaning up after someone else.

And tonight as I stood at the sink in the kitchen washing by hand dishes that have been run through the dishwasher twice and not come clean...I was ranting. A little out loud, a lot in my head.  Two things I ask for.  Two.  No one does them.

I feel like I am the slave to a family of five.  An outcast in my own home.  Not part of the family.  

There is a show I used to watch where the matriarch realized one day that she had given all of herself away to her family, and it was time for her to do what she wanted.  So she went away, alone, on an extended art tour.  That could be me one day.  So very easily, it could be me.  

So as I scrub/rinsed the dishes and loaded them back into the dishwasher, my imagination took me on a trip, away from my house where all of me belongs to someone else and not to myself.  I smiled as I related my life to the little red hen's story, thinking about what my delicious bread will be.

And then back to reality I flew as my husband came in from symphony rehearsal. He made some noises of discomfort, mentioned that he remembered to pick up his prescription, and then left his dinner container, a sandwich bag, and all the prescription papers and bag on the kitchen counter on his way upstairs to take a bath.

After I cleaned the stuff up, I sat on the couch to watch a show with my teenager.   And why the hell not? Can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Just letting it go...letting everything it can hang with the rest of the let go stuff, wherever it all goes when it is...let go...

Edit to add:  just came upstairs at midnight to finally go to bed.  Found dog's collection of crap he gathered from everyone's rooms, including a roll of toilet paper that he so kindly shredded all over the landing.

Slave to six, is what it should read above.  Not five, six.


Sunday, May 14, 2017

Less of me

from Pinterest  

Less of me, less of me, less of me.  A popular Christian prayer.  Less of me, more of you.  You, that is.  Capital Y You.

I used to say the whole thing.  But lately, I can't make it past less of me.  Less of me is what's happening.  Less of me, more of everyone else.  More of everything else. 'Me' has become so much 'less' that it's like there is none left. 'Me' is the reason that there could be more of anything else.  

Less of me means
Less joy
Less contentment 
Less love
Less right
Less success
Less hope
Less peace


Friday, April 7, 2017

Breaking through

November 25...the last time I posted here. Here's some updating.

That illness in November was the start of a three month cough, resulting in chest and back pain. 

I saw three different doctors over that time.  The first agreed it was a flu and gave me codeine cough syrup.  The second said it was post-nasal drip and gave me nose spray.  The third said I had a throat infection and gave me antibiotics.  Then I gave up.

I lost my sponsored gym membership because I wasn't been able breathe without coughing.  No cardio, and weights hurt too much.  I also lost a lot of my singing voice and am still trying to work my lungs back up to taking full breaths.

On December 20, my doctor said I could not to take escitalopram it at the same time as codeine.  I tried to start taking it in the morning, which was not my routine.  After missing three days, I decided not to bother.  It wasn't helping anything anymore anyway.

The withdrawal was long and slow, but not too violent, since my "regular" dose was already the lowest dose one would taper to.  First I just wanted to sleep.  Then I had trouble falling asleep.  My mental and visual clarity slowly returned and I realized that taking escitalopram kept me in a fog, making me tired and pressing me down. On it, I was exhausted in the afternoon - enough to need to nap.  Off it, I wake up not groggy in the mornings.  I can see better and think better.  I don't need an afternoon nap anymore.

Life has not been easy this past while.  Our teenager is not out drinking, drugging and sexing, but he is refusing to go to school many days.  He is being disrespectful.  He is not doing projects...I'm pretty sure he hasn't handed in any school work this year. His passion is music, but he has started letting down friends and family by not fulfilling music commitments.  He loves marching band, yet when I told him he will have to pay half the registration for next year, he said he will not be doing marching band next year then.  He and I see a psych to try to work through all this.  I want him to know that he can seek help from people outside of our family if he is not comfortable speaking with us.  His last visit required his father carrying him to the van.  The psych did a 30 min session with him in our van.  This was visit 7 and the first time the psych didn't see a calm, put-together, intelligent boy with all the right answers (her words).  He didn't speak.  I don't think it's working.  I'm dreading visit 8, but have found comfort in a parenting teens group that I set up on Facebook.  I'm so thankful for friends in the same age and stage as me. 

Our home has still not recovered from not moving.  Stuff is still piled and is still too much.  Space is not enough. Angry teenagers (and preteens looking to rile them up) are everywhere.  The basement is now a bedroom, rendering it unusable gathering or escape space.  My home "office" is our desktop computer on our dining room table, so we can't even eat together without being on top of one another.  School breaks are incredibly unproductive times for me.  While we have made GREAT strides in paying down debt in the hope that we can list our house way too low and sell it that way, by the time we are able to get out of here, we will have to replace the bathroom, and all of the bedroom doors.  Which means we won't be able to afford to leave.  Stuck in this mud.

Work has been busy.  First year-end and T4 season for me, and now tax season for hubby.  I'm in the middle of a job transition.  Slowly transitioning from one to the other.  My days are way too full now, but one job seems like a job and the other doesn't, so hopefully things slow down before that changes.

We gave up our flyer route.  I couldn't handle the stress anymore.  It wasn't fun for the ONE child who stuck with it to the end to do it all on his own.  He was sad to lose the money, but glad to get back the time. The "boss" said we were amazing and anytime we want a job with him, he will gladly hire us back.  I've heard that at most (all?) jobs I've left, which is good, I guess, but a reminder that I have been searching, wandering, for so very long, and along the lines of "it's not you, it's me", my theme seems to be it is me, and it's me.

Since November, I have gained 10 lbs.  Two days ago, I bought some pants with pockets so I can carry my phone with me at new job.  Size 12.  I remember one year not too long ago searching high and low for a size ZERO that was small enough to fit me.  This weight gain depresses me.  It feels like not so long ago that I was healthy, strong, confident, content.  I wish almost constantly that I could go back.

I've been noticing lately that anything I ever say always comes back to haunt me in some way.  I've told people that to be joyful is a choice, and have learned that it's not.  I've said, if you want to exercise, you MAKE TIME to exercise.  Time is not always available to be made to do as we please.  In response to people saying, "I don't know HOW you all live in this tiny house," I've said, "It works great - there are enough rooms for each of us to go into one if we need to be apart."  It's now been proven to me that that is no longer accurate.    What I am learning is to just keep my mouth shut, and I do that a lot now.  I don't socialize at church coffee time, I don't seek out other parents at school events, I don't try to set up girls nights, despite my desperate need for a break from everything.  When the kids were small, we taught them that patience is to "sit quietly".  I'm trying my best to focus on patience.

For the past week or so, I have been plagued with nighttime anxiety.  I am absolutely panic-free until the second I lay my head on my pillow, and then my heart starts POUNDING, and my blood pressure shoots up. I can't lay down fully, and I can't take a whole breath without forcing it.  On Saturday night, I started having heartburn, which is extremely rare for me, and a loss of appetite.  Before I went on escitalopram, my digestive system would cycle through this weird state of hungry and feeling great all the way to the other extreme of no appetite, and the only thing I could consume was water, because it seemed that my digestive system completely shut down.  We are talking, anything I ate seemed to sit in my stomach and not move beyond there.  This week, I was taken right back to that time. I've noticed, since the onset of my panic attacks, that before I even know an illness is coming, my body will switch into panic attack mode.  This time around, Sunday was the worst bit of it; I was on worship team for church, ill, tired from my sleepless night, and a touch nervous to introduce a new song.  It all combined to make me nearly break down on stage, which is probably up there with my other worst nightmares.  I never want to cry in front of anyone, especially not in front of a room full of people looking at me.  I was thankful for the reclining chairs that day; during the sermon, I was able to lean back and take some pressure off my belly, which was telling me very strongly that I should be home in bed. So, all this panic and weirdness this week, with me trying to choose between going back into the fog of escitalopram or suffering through and hoping to find a non-prescription answer...and hubby starts complaining of symptoms similar to what I was experiencing.  And then teen starts complaining of the same. And I realize that I just need to listen to my body...panic means illness is on the way; be kind to yourself.  Ativan rescued me one night, and an herbal supplement another night.  Last night I was able to go to bed and fall asleep with only my hot pack as a comfort.  BUT, I also stayed up way too late last night working, which just might be the key.

This has been a very long update.  Finishing off with 10 highlights...

Having our pup has changed our lives in great ways.  I'm so thankful for him.

My parents bought us a new fridge for our anniversary.  This is the first time in 10 years that we've been able to keep veggies in our refrigerator for more than one day without them freezing!  I've started eating a lot more Greek salads.

Teen auditioned and was accepted into a performing arts program for high school.  This is a situation surrounded in prayer.

My new job is on a casual day-to-day basis, and I was able to secure a posting where I will go to the same school for an entire month.  And they welcomed me with open arms and are all so amazing there.  The whole thing is kind of a miracle to me.

Our income tax return allowed us to pay off a large chunk of our Line of Credit.

Hubby is currently on track to be done school by October, after a long 8 years of difficult coursework.

My mom traveled here and stayed with us for a few weeks during T4 season.  She caught up and kept up all of our laundry and dishes, which is one of the best gifts anyone could give me.  It was great to have an extended amount of time together.

We've set up a weekly family meeting that starts off with a game, ends with everyone picking chores and making the meal plan, and is filled with family business in the middle.  I believe it is changing our family.  Everyone is pitching in around the house, and I haven't cooked dinner (other than assisting) since we started!  I'm really liking the way it's going.

Family paint nite - I set up the first one and now everyone is excited to do another!

Spring has allowed me to wear a light coat all week long!!  :D

Until next time...