Friday, November 25, 2016

Failure

I'm failing.

I'm failing at it all.

Feeling so so very low tonight. 

Everything is a mess.

Two boys were home with influenza all this week.

My girl is fighting it now.  We are currently missing a concert after bailing on my commitment to drive some youth (including my own) to our church youth group's annual video game tournament.  I had to back us out of a luncheon with the newest member of our family that is taking place tomorrow.  A sweet baby boy, only a few days old, and his amazing mama and the rest of their clan.

I think my body is fighting the germs hard...I slather myself with Vicks every night and listen to binaural beats for full body regeneration as I fall asleep at night.  I pray for healing.  I stay on top of my Tylenol Cold and Flu meds and push through to get stuff done.  I try to take naps if I can.

But the truth is...it's not working.

Some things are getting done, but none of it is the stuff that is important to ME.  None of it is self-care.  It is the stuff that is important to everyone else, and tonight I feel like I just have hit the bottom.  Day two of my period, which I sigh and refer to as hemorrhaging day.  It exhausts me so much to lose so much blood.  I can't get to the gym the week of my period because I get sick from pushing my body when it is so exhausted (not that I've been able to make it to the gym at all this month...).  You know, I have gotten two ultrasound requisitions to get this checked out; the first one about 1.5 years ago and the other more recently.  I still haven't gone.  The main reason:  ultrasounds cannot be booked online.  And also, other people always need my time and attention; I can't commit it to an appointment.

My home is a trash heap; junk everywhere.  I work on one place all the while stressing that I am not working on something else and turn around and there is still more.  There is not enough space for the stuff we need to live.  There is never an end to a job; never satisfaction of a clean area. Never peaceful rest.

My children are far far behind in their school assignments.  Some days they don't want to get up and go to school.  And I just don't have the energy to fight with them anymore.  Luckily their test and exam marks do not reflect their lack of discipline to get it all done.  I don't have the energy to fight with them about anything.  Not school, not homework, not video games, not bedtime, not eating, not brushing their teeth, not showering.  I remind them every day to clear their dishes from the table, which sometimes they do, but my hubby never does, and he actually is annoyed when I remind him, so I bother with that less and less too.

Our finances are a mess.  This pay period I had to transfer money from our line of credit to our chequing account THREE times.  And payday is still five days away.  And we're about to have house guests and tons of in and out of town travel.  And one boy needs dress pants that don't exist and the other two need jeans (I think) and we need groceries and it's Christmas.  And I'm not working a lot because there is so much else going on and our house is falling apart and our family needs me and I'm getting phone calls, emails, notes asking me to volunteer for stuff more than once per week.  My work needs me too; everything is an emergency in the payroll industry.  It is draining.  For awhile, I'd feel a jolt of panic everytime my phone buzzed that an email came in.  I'm not working enough. 

I'm not doing enough for anyone.

Friends have been helping with stuff in little ways here and there and while I appreciate it so so much, the truth is, I don't feel worthy of their assistance.  I feel like I should have this.  I should have all of this.  I should be helping THEM.  And I should be making it look like it's all a breeze for me.  And I can't right now.  And I can't see a time in the future that I'll be able to repay the favours either.  So, when help comes, I feel worse; more burdened.

Everything is such a mess.

So messy that even though I have doubled my Cipralex dose, I am sitting here actually crying as I type this.  With real tears.  I'm not gonna lie, it's been awhile since I've been able to cry.

I've always had all the answers. 

And now I don't.  The future of every part of my life looks dark and hard and like every step will require me to break through a brick wall just to be able to take the next step.

And I know that as I struggle and search, people are becoming impatient and frustrated with me.

And the thing is, I don't care.

And that makes me sad because I want to care.  I used to love all the people so much...

And now, I just can't.

Writing this all out has lifted it from my heart, and now I'm going to sit with my girl and watch a movie while I fold the laundry and think about nothing else.