On Friday, on the way to my connection group potluck dinner, my body fell into the start of a panic attack. The nausea kept me from eating much of anything, and the headache showed up later that evening.
The headache and nausea continued through all of Saturday, all of Sunday, and was so bad Monday that I tried to stay in bed. On Tuesday I forced myself to move around and go about my regular schedule. By Wednesday I was able to eat again without rushing to the bathroom after every bite. The headache had cleared on Monday night, after I forced myself to eat no matter the consequences.
Now it is Thursday. The panic intensified on Tuesday night and last night, and today I had a small rush of chilling anxiety as my bowel filled and I had the urge to go.
I recognize this pattern. This is how it all started. My panic would convince me that I was too nauseous to eat anything. Then the headache would come in because I was starving myself. In the past I would resort to drinking only water during this time. However, I have learned that starving myself and drinking only water is not the right answer. It's not the right way to treat my body. It's not a healthy choice mentally or physically. I know that I need to push myself through the entire process.
But it's hard.
The battle between what I know and what I feel must always end in a casualty. Someone has to lose. And when my mind is already overwhelmed with everything else our family of six does in one week my mind loses. My body loses.
This is the story of my anxiety in a nutshell. And this week has been me forcing two small meals a day, cutting out pop and cutting back on slurpees, going to bed early, and falling asleep with headphones pumping guided meditations into my brain. I'm taking probiotics and a multivitamin and fish oil and vitamin D. I'm using my happy light and blankets and my hot pack and electric blankets and drinking tea.
And my husband is doing everything he can so I have less. I can't express the appreciation I have for him this week. How blessed are we that this panic hits while he is between courses so all I need to focus on is work, cooking dinner, and taking care of myself!
I'm riding this one out and praying that it is finished soon.