Thursday, October 13, 2016


Well, my body has reached the end of its tolerance for bad diet and little exercise. I have slacked for too long on consuming my all-important supplements of probiotics and fiber. 

On Friday, on the way to my connection group potluck dinner, my body fell into the start of a panic attack.  The nausea kept me from eating much of anything, and the headache showed up later that evening.

The headache and nausea continued through all of Saturday, all of Sunday, and was so bad Monday that I tried to stay in bed. On Tuesday I forced myself to move around and go about my regular schedule. By Wednesday I was able to eat again without rushing to the bathroom after every bite.  The headache had cleared on Monday night, after I forced myself to eat no matter the consequences.

Now it is Thursday. The panic intensified on Tuesday night and last night, and today I had a small rush of chilling anxiety as my bowel filled and I had the urge to go.

I recognize this pattern. This is how it all started. My panic would convince me that I was too nauseous to eat anything. Then the headache would come in because I was starving myself. In the past I would resort to drinking only water during this time. However, I have learned that starving myself and drinking only water is not the right answer. It's not the right way to treat my body. It's not a healthy choice mentally or physically.  I know that I need to push myself through the entire process.

But it's hard. 

The battle between what I know and what I feel must always end in a casualty. Someone has to lose. And when my mind is already overwhelmed with everything else our family of six does in one week my mind loses.  My body loses.

This is the story of my anxiety in a nutshell.  And this week has been me forcing two small meals a day, cutting out pop and cutting back on slurpees, going to bed early, and falling asleep with headphones pumping guided meditations into my brain.  I'm taking probiotics and a multivitamin and fish oil and vitamin D.  I'm using my happy light and blankets and my hot pack and electric blankets and drinking tea.

And my husband is doing everything he can so I have less.  I can't express the appreciation I have for him this week. How blessed are we that this panic hits while he is between courses so all I need to focus on is work, cooking dinner, and taking care of myself!

I'm riding this one out and praying that it is finished soon.

Thursday, October 6, 2016


Thursday is always the busiest day.

I've always had a soft spot for Thursday.  I sometimes wonder if it is because I was born on a Thursday, or if it is because my favourite things have always happened on Thursdays.  

The first thing that pops to my mind is orchestra rehearsal.  And then choir.  In my teen years, I did music on Thursday evenings, and it was always so wonderful to be able to immerse myself in music.  To socialize without having to talk.  To be with people and not feel the stress of having to select just the right embarrassment-free words.

Through my parenting years, Thursdays have always been school performances and council meetings, and now, marching band for my teen.  I think that he has found his own Thursday love.  And it is because of music.  And that makes me tear up a little, because my heart can relate.

Thursday also holds that great feeling of anticipation.  Friday is soon.  The weekend is soon.  There is a sense of relief in that for me.  Even though our weekends these days (these years) are full and not relaxing in the least, the general consensus of people is that weekends are great, and something to look forward to.  I can feel that, even in not sharing the same eagerness to wrap myself in all the weekend has to offer.

Perhaps the relief comes in the fact that even though I don't get a break, the kids do, and overall, that means less work for me.  Because shuffling extra people about is some of the hardest work a mom has to do.  Now that my kids are old enough to be without constant supervision, there is freedom for me to rush around on my own, completing tasks and errands in half the time it used to take.

But, I digress.  Thursday is here.  Happy, cozy, hopeful, relieving Thursday.  Cake for dessert and then a council meeting and marching band to follow.  Comfort.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Birthday Post

Well, today is my birthday.  38.

Do I feel 38?  I don't know.  Maybe.  The number looks foreign to me, so maybe not.

This morning I slept in until 8:00.  My teen came to my bed to wake me up with a cuddle and the smell of bacon cooking called me downstairs.

My family greeted me with hugs and smiles, like every morning, and I sat down at the table to eat the most delicious eggs and bacon on a cheese croissant that I have ever eaten.  I was gifted a beautiful paper boasting that I was the best mom ever, with reasons written all over it.  There were more gifts - candy for my sweet tooth and beef jerky for my carnivorous side.  And the declaration of approval for something more, to arrive when the time is right.

The kids who were well headed off to school, and the one who needed to stay in bed, did.

Before he went to work, hubby and I had a long chat session as he folded laundry and I sat, doing nothing but listening.  Our weekly catchup sesh, distraction free.

I took a long, hot shower.  I didn't rush it, and I kept turning up the hot.  And then I took a long time doing my makeup.  My hair is beyond help, but we have a system worked out.  I spray leave-in conditioning protectant on it, and it does what it wants.  Win-win, really; it works right into the "whatever" attitude I'm trying to adopt.

Work happened next, and I managed to get an hour in before I was whisked away for a yummy pho lunch with my mother-in-law and my littlest cutie nephew, who has always reserved a special look just for me.  No words, just a little eyebrow crinkle and intense eye contact.  I managed to get a few high-fives (well, high-ones...)  from him and almost a smile, so I think he might be softening.

For dessert, I had a gummy spider from my gift candies.  Sweetest spider I have ever eaten.

I went out into the cold for a drive to the bank (to take out $20), the slurpee store (to break the $20), and to meet up with a friend who was selling me supplies to feed my addiction.  My stamping addiction.  I blasted the heat in my van until it was burning my hands, but my feet would not warm up.  Note to self:  October is sock weather.

Back home again to fit more work in before the kids would arrive home.  On the table next to me, my phone buzzed non-stop with happy wishes and kind greetings from my friends and family.  I am so thankful to have the most thoughtful and kind people with me on this life journey, inspiring me, challenging me, supporting me.  I didn't get a lot more work done.

I watched some TV with the kids, and when they switched to video games, I headed to facebook, to messenger, and to my texts to thank everyone for the happy birthdays.  I know facebook prompts the happy birthdays, and each one is precious to me.  Adult birthdays are just not the same as kid birthdays; just another day like all the rest, really, with all the same responsibilities.  It's nice to have people taking time out of their day for a little note of love.  I think I need to focus on doing this small act more in my own life; I've not done it for awhile now.

My hubby brought home Wendy's burgers for dinner, and I realized that in one day, I had eaten all the animals.  Chicken and pig for breakfast, chicken for lunch, and cow for dinner, with a little more pig.  I think that the meat I ate on this day is more meat than I have eaten over the entire last month combined.

After dinner, I went to drive my boys to the Y for their activities, and as I was waiting to turn left out of our alley, a guy threw himself up against the passenger sliding door of my van, and then walked along the rest of the block flipping me the bird.  I was in shock for a second, thought about chasing him down the my van...but then settled on driving slowly along beside him blowing him kisses, because that was less likely to get me jail time.  He walked with his middle finger up on one hand, and the other hand covering his eyes.  Even as he crossed a side road.  Crazy.  I think he was afraid I was going to take his picture.  Guilty, much?

The rest of the evening was low-key.  I hung out with my new stamp set, made a couple of cards, drank Coke and drank water, and facebooked a bit while my hubby did laundry (best gift ever!) and baked my birthday cake (we'll eat it tomorrow).  I am heading to bed earlier than normal because I am exhausted and nauseous.

38 so far...lots of meat, cold, love, and an early bedtime.  I'm feeling older already.