Sunday, July 24, 2016

Vacation thoughts

I feel sick to my stomach over what the rest of 2016 holds.

All my life I've been able to turn 'no's into 'oh yeah? watch this!'s.  And then I rock it.

I can't rock anything anymore.  

I am starting to learn the lies that people want to hear, and I know I'll get better at my delivery as time goes on.  People tell me to be positive and have hope.  I think I may have used it all up in the first 36 years of my life, and well, there is just none left.  I'm drowning and grasping, and there is none within my reach.  

Oh how annoying I must have been when I had hope in abundance.  I'm so sorry to those I told in the past to be positive and choose joy.  I'll never forget that mistake now.  And I'll never make it again.

I'm starting to wonder who I pissed off to bring all this heaviness down on my shoulders.  There is just one thing after another after another after another.  So many problems that refuse to be resolved; that take so much time.  2016 has been my own personal Groundhog Day movie.  Seven months in and no relief yet.

I have a requisition for an arm ultrasound and for blood work.  I'm overdue for a dental checkup.  I've been putting them off saying I'm too busy to get them done, but deep down I know the real reason I haven't gone.  I don't want to know what the next thing is, even though the answer is always that there is nothing wrong with my body.  That will change one day; with all going on this year, I don't think there will be surprise at a change of findings.

If I could stop time, I think I would, because I know that tough times now are preparing me for the real tough times to come. And I don't want to face what's to come.  I don't feel strong enough for the future.  Every day brings worse news than the day before it.  How can anyone have hope when that's the reality?

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