I've been meaning to blog for awhile now. I had such high ambitions to post something positive for once, and I didn't, and now I'm back to a rough day and here I am, tapping away on my phone.
I have been struggling a lot with depression lately. I really just have no energy for anything, and not a speck of joy within. It's strange to me because even though I stopped taking my Cipralex on June 22, I have not had a second of anxiety. But the depression is so heavy.
Today I asked my husband if I will ever be not-sad again. He said yes. That was nice of him.
I'm trying to be with people as much as I can, to maybe gain some of their energy or catch a spark of joy from them. Last Sunday I had a girls night with my bestie. Monday, dinner with the in-laws. Tuesday my boy arrived home from tour. Thursday a workout and catch up smoothie with another great friend, Friday a parade morning with my hubby, and an evening visit and snacks with our Bible study group. Saturday we went to a co-worker's place for a bbq and drinks, and Sunday I chaperoned with the marching band and made new friends and got to chat all day long.
My life is amazing.
I love all my people.
And I'm sad.
I feel trapped because we can't sell our home, but we need something bigger. My brain's response is to frantically transform every room in our current home to something that will work for our family. Because I am a fixer. I can no longer enter a space without picturing storage solutions on every wall and in every nook and cranny.
I feel trapped because I desperately miss my stay at home mom life, and I know that I can't ever go back there. Well, maybe one day when we win the lottery or hubby gets a giant raise. Probably should start buying lottery tickets for that part to pan out...
Anyway, my parents so graciously took three of our children on an extended vacation so my hubby and I could have a rest from parenting for a bit. From the second they left, my mind has been working overtime to find solutions to all of the chaos that was our last year. Bake a year's worth of muffins for lunches, go back to schedules for everything, don't forget to book appointments, make sure to check in with teachers about homework, print out all band forms in advance, do this, do that, do the other thing,
DON'T BE A MOMMY/WIFE FAILURE LIKE LAST YEAR.
I feel like I'm covered in honey and stuck in one place, so desiring to have the quick, snappy reflexes of my past, but they just aren't there. I can feel that I'm not exceptional at anything anymore and I hate that. My brain repeats, if I'm not impressing, then why try?
Tonight I'm going to start taking Cipralex again. I'm giving up on having feelings because it is easier to do life without them.
And for the rest...I'm going to try to rest. A quote came through my Facebook feed today, "If you get tired, learn to rest, not to quit." Quitting has always been my knee jerk reaction, and for the first time ever, I'm finding myself trapped in three giant areas of my life where quitting is not an option. I guess sadness is the product of that, and I'm hopeful that Cipralex will be the fix I need to find contentment again.
Oh yes, and rest.