Tuesday, July 26, 2016

2016: Year of Do Over

I have named this year the year of do over.  The patterns I'm seeing are ridiculous to me.  I think it is time to get them down here so I can hopefully figure out what the hell I'm supposed to be learning and then we can move on with 2017.

In January, we put our house on the market.  In May we put our house back on the market after taking it's unsold ass off the market.  In June we took it off again.  In July, while consulting with a new, seemingly fantastic realtor, I was actually listened to and the realization came that our house is invisible on MLS. The realtor did not press us to relist with her; she knows there is no point until we can say we have two bathrooms.

In March, I went to the dr. to have my prescription refilled.  I saw someone who was not my dr. because she was out of town.  I mentioned back pain...he said he wouldn't help me and I had to come back when my dr. was back, a month later.  It actually took me four months to get back there. And guess what.  Still not resolved.

In April, my boy had a nasty toothache while we were away from home for the weekend.  Once we got home, I got him in to see the dentist, who found enough problems in his mouth to use up his entire dental benefits for the year.  Two baby root canals, fillings galore.  A few weeks later, we were back because the first problem tooth was infected.  The dentist drained the pus and said come back in a week if it was still infected.  We went back.  She drained it again and said come back when it's loose and she'll pull it.  Really?

In June I decided it was probably time to take off the van's winter tires and have the summer ones put on.  Also, it was time for an oil change and time to get that a/c fixed.  I took the van in on a Friday.  The next Friday I took it in again because the a/c stopped working after less than one day, and my signal light had burned out. The a/c fix would be out of our budget, so we elected to wait until a family member could replace the condenser for us.  He did, only to find that the evaporator also needs replacing.  A cheaper/simpler/quicker fix was not successful after three hours of attempts.  On top of all this, we refill the tire that won't hold air weekly and every day a new crack appears in my windshield. 

This summer, my parents so graciously took three of our kids on vacation to give me a chance to work on my crazy a little bit.  While they were away, I decided to paint the one bedroom I hadn't repainted before trying to sell our house.  Then I thought we should fix up the closet since the rod was broken.  Hubby and I went to IKEA and found a closet system that worked for us.  Got it all home, and found the brackets we got would not work.  Returned those and got the right ones, and hubby put it all together.  I went to put something on the shelf, and everything came toppling down on me, some pieces broke.  Back to IKEA for hubby for a third time to get new parts.  Meanwhile, I spent hours hanging hooks and artwork in the bedroom only to come in the room two days later and find it all on the floor.  Apparently the paint is too smooth.

This week we travelled across the prairies to pick up our children.  I was hesitant to leave my job in someone else's hands, but I was convinced to extend my time away by two days and let my coworker do the messy Monday stuff.  I booked myself, my mom and my aunt some paint nite tickets for the Monday night so that I would be forced to stay until then.  Unfortunately, three days into our week-long stay, my mom was called away to a family emergency.  And my 'do-over' luck was transferred to her.  I went to the airport with my parents, leaving hubby and the kids at the house.  Each of my parents had thought the other had grabbed my mom's suitcase.  I called hubby from the airport and he rushed the suitcase to us.  I decided to leave with hubby, and before we were off airport property, I got a call from my stepdad.  My mom was not allowed to fly standby when the only shoes she had were flip flops.  Hubby and I rushed to Walmart to buy shoes, and rushed back to the airport again.

Work has been the same for me the past few months.  Always having to go back and do something over again; sometimes my fault, sometimes not.

The wasted time in all this is what makes me sad.  The wasted money.  The things we didn't do because we were counting on things to go a certain way.  The energy suck of FAILURE.

There has to be a lesson in all this.  The learning is painful.  Every time there's a new do-over, it hurts a little more, and they seem to be coming closer together and harder as the year goes on.  I hope I can figure out all this soon.  I have some plans.  Please, God, give me some triumphs.   

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Vacation thoughts

I feel sick to my stomach over what the rest of 2016 holds.

All my life I've been able to turn 'no's into 'oh yeah? watch this!'s.  And then I rock it.

I can't rock anything anymore.  

I am starting to learn the lies that people want to hear, and I know I'll get better at my delivery as time goes on.  People tell me to be positive and have hope.  I think I may have used it all up in the first 36 years of my life, and well, there is just none left.  I'm drowning and grasping, and there is none within my reach.  

Oh how annoying I must have been when I had hope in abundance.  I'm so sorry to those I told in the past to be positive and choose joy.  I'll never forget that mistake now.  And I'll never make it again.

I'm starting to wonder who I pissed off to bring all this heaviness down on my shoulders.  There is just one thing after another after another after another.  So many problems that refuse to be resolved; that take so much time.  2016 has been my own personal Groundhog Day movie.  Seven months in and no relief yet.

I have a requisition for an arm ultrasound and for blood work.  I'm overdue for a dental checkup.  I've been putting them off saying I'm too busy to get them done, but deep down I know the real reason I haven't gone.  I don't want to know what the next thing is, even though the answer is always that there is nothing wrong with my body.  That will change one day; with all going on this year, I don't think there will be surprise at a change of findings.

If I could stop time, I think I would, because I know that tough times now are preparing me for the real tough times to come. And I don't want to face what's to come.  I don't feel strong enough for the future.  Every day brings worse news than the day before it.  How can anyone have hope when that's the reality?

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Roller coaster

I have a job in the payroll industry.  The thing I like about the job is that I can know stuff that not everyone else knows, and teach others the "rules".  I love rules.  There are lots of rules in payroll.

The thing I don't like about payroll is that it is a group project.  Constantly I need to rely on other people to tell me things.  To give me the right information in a way that is clear and understandable so I can help them.  You'd think that this would be an easy thing, but it's not.  I do my best to let people know what I need from them and how I need it to be presented, but everyone has their own mind, and I can't force anyone to do anything (this could be one of my biggest frustrations in life - that I can't force anyone to do anything.  Control freak much? ;) ). Anyway, with payroll, there is much waiting on people and trying to nag people in a not so nagging way.  Also, everyone does not like rules like I do.

It has been a roller-coaster payroll week for me.  Mondays are always, always hard.  They are heavy payroll days, with a cut-off deadline early in the day, and me the only person in this department.  Since the day before Monday is the weekend, the information I require comes to me at the last minute.  There is much rushing and tension on Monday mornings, and it has started to creep backward to Sundays.  In some cases, I feel that I'm being set up to fail - as was the case this past Monday - and that makes me bitter. 

Mondays are the gut-wrenching anticipation part of the roller coaster, that you feel as it slowly slowly is cranked up the steep track.  Going down the other side - having everything completed by the deadline, and out of your hair for another week - is a sweet, sweet feeling.  There are little hills to climb and little drops down too.  Always, up and down, up and down with payroll.  But in my life, Mondays are the giant hill.

Yesterday I had a new payroll high.  One of my clients called me to ask my advice.  Not to make me change anything, not to ask me to complete an extra task, not to argue with me.  I knew all of their options, almost off the top of my head.  This is big, because when I started in this position a year ago, I knew almost nothing about payroll.  I have studied any and all free material I can get my hands on.  I figured out all I needed to present to my client (without the use of the internet, I might add, because our internet was down most of the day), and I presented.  And because of me, the client was able to reexamine their situation and come up with a plan considering all of the scenarios that might play out.  From the change in tone of the conversations we had, I feel like I helped to make a difficult situation a little calmer and lighter for all involved.  This is an amazing feeling, and it came right at a time when I really really needed it.

Today is back to being slowly drug up the track (kinda feels like being drug on the ground behind a horse), but I am a little more bold, strong, positive because of yesterday, and for that I am grateful.  It's going to get me through another day of payroll.

Monday, July 11, 2016

Rest

I've been meaning to blog for awhile now.  I had such high ambitions to post something positive for once, and I didn't, and now I'm back to a rough day and here I am, tapping away on my phone.

I have been struggling a lot with depression lately.  I really just have no energy for anything, and not a speck of joy within.  It's strange to me because even though I stopped taking my Cipralex on June 22, I have not had a second of anxiety.   But the depression is so heavy.

Today I asked my husband if I will ever be not-sad again.  He said yes.  That was nice of him.

I'm trying to be with people as much as I can, to maybe gain some of their energy or catch a spark of joy from them.  Last Sunday I had a girls night with my bestie.  Monday, dinner with the in-laws.  Tuesday my boy arrived home from tour. Thursday a workout and catch up smoothie with another great friend, Friday a parade morning with my hubby, and an evening visit and snacks with our Bible study group.  Saturday we went to a co-worker's place for a bbq and drinks, and Sunday I chaperoned with the marching band and made new friends and got to chat all day long.

My life is amazing.  

I love all my people.

And I'm sad.

I feel trapped because we can't sell our home, but we need something bigger.  My brain's response is to frantically transform every room in our current home to something that will work for our family.  Because I am a fixer.  I can no longer enter a space without picturing storage solutions on every wall and in every nook and cranny.

I feel trapped because I desperately miss my stay at home mom life, and I know that I can't ever go back there.  Well, maybe one day when we win the lottery or hubby gets a giant raise.  Probably should start buying lottery tickets for that part to pan out...  

Anyway, my parents so graciously took three of our children on an extended vacation so my hubby and I could have a rest from parenting for a bit.  From the second they left, my mind has been working overtime to find solutions to all of the chaos that was our last year.  Bake a year's worth of muffins for lunches, go back to schedules for everything, don't forget to book appointments, make sure to check in with teachers about homework, print out all band forms in advance, do this, do that, do the other thing, 

DON'T BE A MOMMY/WIFE FAILURE LIKE LAST YEAR.  

shhhhhh...

I feel like I'm covered in honey and stuck in one place, so desiring to have the quick, snappy reflexes of my past, but they just aren't there.  I can feel that I'm not exceptional at anything anymore and I hate that.  My brain repeats, if I'm not impressing, then why try?

Tonight I'm going to start taking Cipralex again.  I'm giving up on having feelings because it is easier to do life without them.

And for the rest...I'm going to try to rest.  A quote came through my Facebook feed today, "If you get tired, learn to rest, not to quit." Quitting has always been my knee jerk reaction, and for the first time ever, I'm finding myself trapped in three giant areas of my life where quitting is not an option.  I guess sadness is the product of that, and I'm hopeful that Cipralex will be the fix I need to find contentment again.

Oh yes, and rest.