Monday, May 23, 2016

Self care nightmare

I am not doing so well today.  

Failing at it all.  

Stuck in a circle of hopelessness.

I went back to work so we can afford a bigger mortgage...and a life of chaos has ensued.

To buy a home where we have enough space, we need to sell our current one, but it's not happening.

Our current one is undesirable to potential buyers.

In my time outside of work, I try to make the house look desirable, but it's not enough.

Housework, painting, fixing takes the place of self care, husband and child attention giving, grocery shopping, and cooking healthy meals, but it's not enough.

Everyone is sick and burned out and in each other's face and space and angry and annoyed and tired of it all.

Everyone needs my attention.  The cars both need oil changes.  They can't take care of it themselves.  The kids need to go to the doctor for never-ending illnesses and to the dentist for toothaches and fillings.  They can't go alone.  The house is getting messier and messier because everyone is sick and burned out.  The husband is doing too much and needs to keep his focus on that.  He is not taking care of himself, his patience is as low as all the rest of us.  I don't have anymore care to give, so I've basically abandoned him, left alone to figure out how to do all the stuff I used to take care of, before there was too much.

I realize that that pain in my joints and muscles has been hanging out for over three months, that I can't move either arm without pain, and that whatever is going on in my back is probably not good news.  But I just don't have time or energy to address myself.

I'm taking the time to choose the gym over the doctor because it is open outside of working hours.  I hope it starts working soon.

I know that if something happens to me, this house dream will never become a reality, because not only will my family lose the mortgage payment of our dream house, should we ever make it there, but I also have no life insurance, no savings, no RRSP, nothing to make it possible for them to live comfortably in a bigger space without me.  

So I need to go to the gym and sing and colour and craft and take meds and drink slurpees and water and eat well and get massages and blog and vent on Facebook and hang out with my besties 

to keep myself healthy 

So I have energy
to care for a husband and children and cars and a house with patience because they won't care for themselves.  Or each other.  Definitely not in a patient manner.

So I have energy
to shop for good food 
to cook healthy meals,
to keep me and my family healthy
and away from the doctor appointments 
that take me away from work 
which will pay the mortgage
on the house
that has enough space for everyone
to take care of themselves 
physically
and mentally
which will lighten my load

Which will leave me some energy 
to take care
of
myself.

It has been VERY hard for all six of us to adjust to me working outside of the home, and as time goes on it gets harder rather than easier.  13 years of having the household run smoothly by one person for all six is a whole lotta habit to break.  I have got to say, I am pretty damn good at running a household.

But my $2000 per month is gonna pay for smoother bedtimes, privacy for teens and for parents, and for the first non-boy space the girl will call her own. 

It is going to allow our sweet vehicles that work so hard for us every day to have a warm and safe place to rest.  

Our belongings will be able to spread out, breathe, be appreciated and enjoyed.  

WE will be able to spread out, breathe, appreciate each other and enjoy each other's company.

There are so many...there is so much counting on my body to hold up, to hold on, to take care, to be strong, to be well.

Don't blow it, girl.  

But, no pressure.

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