Saturday, May 7, 2016

Renewal

I have been struggling with a lot of stuff for a while now.  I've not wanted to blog because it takes too much energy, just like everything else.  I'm actually in a pretty bad place - almost right back where I was when this whole thing started.  Not eating, not sleeping, not exercising, bad attitude.  Since I am a healthy weight, the anxiety is missing, which is a blessing because it messes me up when I am constantly trying to decide if I am having a heart attack.  However, no anxiety is also not a blessing because it means I don't care about anything.  #nottheanswer.

I'm comitting now to writing everyday, even as I look around at the disaster in my province and my country, and know there are many much worse off than I am in so so many ways.  It is hard for me to grab back the idea that I'm valuable, but I want to be strong for my city, province, and country, and I know that starts with believing in me.

This morning at my self defence class, we did a lot of "flow"ing, consideration and reflection.  It opened my eyes to what I've been allowing into my personal space, and the old, strong, inner me painstakingly pulled herself to her knees, then her feet.  She grabbed my thoughts and asked me how I have let things get so bad.  And then we decided that starting today we are taking back control.  Physical strength, mental strength, emotional strength has to happen.  Not just gratitude, but contentment.  I've been there before, and the game has changed since then.  I used to preach, "make it happen" to people who complained about their situation and now I've fallen into the darkness myself. 

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