Tuesday, November 10, 2015

It's just...the sadness

Heavy, cold, tired...sad...depression.

I think we are all feeling it around here lately.

The nasty intestinal virus that oscillates between diarrhea and constipation on an hourly to daily basis; it's exhausting.

I'm fighting the urge to stop eating altogether.  Again.  It would be so easy.  A few days this week, all I ate was lunch and only because my digestive system wasn't ready for food in the morning, and by dinner time I had learned my lesson - anything that goes in comes back out about 10 minutes later.

That's how I solved this at the worst of it in the past...I just stopped eating.  The discussions in my head lately have been ongoing:

"Just stop eating and then you won't have the pain and bathroom trips."

"No way.  Last time I did that I ended up stuck in the house."

"But you have medicine for that now.  Just do it, it will be fine."

"Hmmm...you're right.  I wonder what would happen..."

And on it goes.

In the end, I always convince myself to eat.  And then I regret it and wonder when I will stop expecting a new result.  I hate feeling sick at work.  I hate not knowing if I will be able to make it home without stopping somewhere to use the bathroom (I have always made it home without stopping; but I drive on a highway, so stopping would mean the side of the road).

My weariness continues, but every day I still take time to sing, to admire the sunrise and the beautiful mountains.  I cuddle with my children.  I eat lunch with my hubby.  I thank God for blessing us with all we have; our relative health, strength, happy children with amazing friends.  I soak up the awesomeness of my sanctuary bedroom - my comfy bed and antique heated blanket - all made up of gifts from friends and family.  I try to appreciate the now while planning the later.  These things aren't hard, but are little reprieves from the heaviness of the rest.