This week was easier, but no less exhausting. I managed to stay up until a regular adult bedtime most nights, but my house still is a disaster. It was another type of transition week for us as the older two kids returned to school on Tuesday. I am thankful that their transition seems to be going smooth enough because I feel that I've reached my limit on putting out emotional fires.
There is a huge uproar in my city right now about school bus stops being unreasonable for students. I almost let out a whoop in my office when I found out that my kids' bus stop is at the end of my alley. It was a GIANT load off my shoulders. Now, as the issue is revisited, it is one more thing for me to think about and pray (selfishly) for no change while trying to be ahead of the game with a plan for if that stop is yanked away from us and moved somewhere else. I wish I could not think about it, but now that I am working, everything seems to require a lot more thought and planning than it did when I functioned on a stay-at-home-mom schedule.
I increased my Cipralex dose this week. I've been taking 1/4 pill since I went back on it in February, and my doctor has argued with me about it every single time I've seen her since then (she insists that even my prescribed 1/2 pill is "nothing"). But September is September (and August is September around here too), and I feel like I need that little extra drug boost for patience because I am getting worn out managing it on my own. One way that anxiety manifests is anger and frustration, and that occurs for me, as I am not naturally a patient person to begin with. With doubling my dose, I've experienced the start up side-effects to a lesser extreme. Yawning and jaw clenching for sure. I've tried to stay at the tiniest dose not only because I believe that if 1/4 works, why take more?, but also because I firmly believe that taking Cipralex has caused me to gradually gain weight since I started taking it. Again, my doctor says that is not a side effect, but based on evidence in my own life, I just can't believe her. That messes with my self esteem. Once again, I have a closet full of clothes that don't fit me. So, lots of depression this week, low energy, and many panic attacks hanging about and waiting to pounce. So much prayer this week for strength not only for myself, but for friends who have lost a loved one to cancer; and those struggling with loneliness, with regret, with physical pain and with uncertainty of what the future will bring.
My house in disarray is a strong contributor to my depression, so I started this three-day weekend determined to get stuff back in order here. I did a great job on Friday with part of the kitchen, completed the kitchen on Saturday afternoon, and then lost steam on my mission shortly after. I have 1.5 days left to hopefully use wisely to complete the main floor and plan for the week ahead. Each week gets easier, and I expect that this week will be no different. Once my house is in order, I can buckle down on our finances, which is also an area of concern dragging me down on a regular basis here. That's September with four kids in school, I guess. By October, my financial outlook will be way more optimistic. I hope. LOL