Another week under my belt. This week the person who started training me from the start was away on vacation, so I had a lot of freedom to test my confidence, make decisions, create and complete projects, and settle into my space.
Today was the first event that I had to miss because of work. It wasn't anything big - just a school assembly - but with 14 new staff at the school, including a new principal and assistant principal, it was hard to miss the event where I would get to know what is going on for this year. I already feel disconnected, and I don't like that. It's a big change because I have been very present in the school community for 8 years now.
With the new arrangement of me working, hubby has taken over morning duty so I can go into the office early. He gets the kids off to school most mornings, but he had an early dentist appointment one morning this week. As I sent my two littles off across the field, my girl clung to me and cried. I've never had this resistance to go to school from her before, and I know she is having trouble adjusting to all the new. It started in July when I closed my dayhome. We have had extra kids here my daughter's whole life, and she has always had someone to play with. All of a sudden with her brothers off doing their own things, as they do, she was struck with boredom and totally at a loss about what to do to fill her time. She and I have done so many fun things together since then, and I do my best to say yes EVERY time she says she wants to do something with me. Transitions.
I'm feeling so grateful to have this job. My first paycheque felt SO GOOD. I took my besties out for appies and drinks to celebrate; kind of a tradition as they did the same when they each returned to work. I feel empowered and encouraged - my take-charge attitude is not being squelched, but is being met with positive comments from my co-workers and my boss. For the second week in a row, hubby came home and shared how impressed the boss is with tasks I have done and projects I have initiated and carried out. I LOVE to shock people by going far beyond their expectations of me. Positive and impressed comments make my heart soar. I feel intelligent and strong, but I get the impression that people don't see that when they look at me. Bonus: I get to shock everyone! :D
It has been super awesome to do grown up things all day (including an almost-daily lunch date with my hubby!) but still be home in time to pick up my littles from school, and to chat with all my school mommy-friends while our kids play together on the park every afternoon. This afternoon, I came home at noon, put dinner in the oven to start and stop cooking when it should, and took all four kids bowling. It is just such a wonderful cap to the work week.
All this said, it has been a hard week mentally. I've really been struggling with exhaustion, fatigue, depression. I felt anxiety trying to take over one evening, but I was able to ward it off. My body has been aching like never before; even climbing into my van has been difficult. I went to yoga on Monday evening and soaked in an Epsom salt bath last night. Sometimes the heaviness in my body makes me feel like I'm going to melt right down into the earth, it's pulling so hard.
I have goals though, and I'm going to press on. And I'm going to be more diligent in taking those iron pills that my doctor prescribed last month. Must take care of me so I can take care of others. Not just my family, but a whole office full now too! :)
Now it is the weekend, and I'm going to work to return my house to the relaxing sanctuary I know it can be. And my hopes are high that next week will be filled with a clear bright joyful feeling rather than the cloudy muddled joy of this week. <3