Panic attack

Last night I barely slept.  It was another panic attack night.  I could not calm my pounding heart, I could not stop my aches and painful twinges.  It is so frustrating not being able to control this, and being frustrated just adds to the problem.

In all the extra hours I had to ponder this, I realized that my week has been very off track.  I haven't expended my body's extra energy by working out.  I haven't been drinking enough water.  And I haven't been eating enough food.  Yesterday I ate a granola bar for breakfast, a slice of chocolate cake and a bite of kd for lunch, and nothing for dinner because I never eat before evening plans (old habits die hard).  Since I hadn't eaten dinner, I had another granola bar at my class, then when I came home at 9:30, I had some nachos that were left over from the dinner I wasn't home to eat.

Then I had a shower and spent hours trying to calm my heart and sleep.

Just in case you are wondering, when your body is plunged into anxiety hell because you starve it until you get there, it does not forget that place once you finally get out.  It remembers.  And it lets you know when you are on the path back.  It lets you know VERY early in the journey.

Today I am exhausted and sad.  My chest hurts, my arms hurt, my stomach muscles hurt, my back hurts.  I know I need to take care of myself.  I know how to take care of myself and the needs that my body has developed.  I don't know why I cannot learn the lesson that I can't have the carefree life I used to, and I don't know why I keep letting it slide.  You bet that I took supplements today, ate a healthy breakfast and lunch and answered my belly's loud calls for dinner even though the thought of standing up to get myself dinner seemed like it would take a little more energy than I have.  I drank Powerade to help the rehydration even though I don't like it; and I am working on getting in a sufficient amount of water.  I have a new app that will remind me going forward.

My life is so fabulous right now - I have almost everything I ever wanted.  I love every single day.  I can't let anxiety win...not today and not ever.  I hate that I have to fight it; I wish I could just scare it away and have it leave me alone forever, but that's not how it works, unfortunately.  THAT is a lesson I am learning for sure.