Saturday, October 4, 2014

The end

According to my calendar, I took my last 5 mg of Cipralex on September 15.  Because I had already only been taking it every third day, the side effects from stopping were not huge.  I had about 8-10 days of feeling like I was in a dream-like state, and that made me very very tired.

Emotionally, there has been some weepiness, but not in excess and not at inappropriate situations.  There was one day that I cried all day.  It was triggered by the death of my friend's newborn son, which came out of nowhere, three years after the death of her daughter.  It felt good to cry; refreshing and cleansing and the tears felt like they'd been locked away for years.  On Cipralex, the tears won't come.

The moodiness leading up to my period was less intense than on Cipralex, but the cramps, discomfort and crappy feeling during has been intensified. 

I've actually felt really good off of it.  Really healthy, with a clear mind and clear feelings.  It has been awesome and I was feeling I had made the right choice and was looking forward to everything evening out even more as time goes on.

Then last night happened.

I attended a women's event put on by my church.  Just like every month, I invited, invited, invited friends.  I posted the event on my Facebook wall and said everyone is welcome.  A relaxed evening out with a bunch of ladies.  With me...who could say no?  I'm a good friend.  

Well, just like every month for the past nine months, no one came.  Most ignored me.  Some acknowledged the invite and flippantly said they'd try.  Some said next month for sure.  Yup, I've heard that before.  A couple said they'd be there but didn't show up.  How does this all make me feel?  Like shit, frankly.  A piece of shit.

The realization that Facebook friends are not real friends has hit me like a sack of bricks.  Much to the chagrin of many, I've counted my Facebook friends as my nearest and dearest, sharing my life, being open and honest.  I've felt that I've proved wrong the people who tell me to stop sharing so much because Facebook is not an appropriate medium for that.  Apparently they are right, and knowing that now has left me feeling so disappointed, so lonely, and so very angry.  I feel like I care so much for people.  I ask nothing in return but for them to spend a little time with me.  I want real friends.  Touchable, huggable, look-at-able.  Coffee dates.  Visits.  Evenings out together.  I feel like stopping Cipralex has just made all this dysfunction in my friendships so very clear.

Last night I didn't sleep.  I was hurt and angry.  My heart pounded hard as my chest and back hurt and my side throbbed.  I raged about fakebook, I raged that my boys were in the living room partying later and later, past 2:00 am.  I raged at being taken advantage of and at people not sharing their plans that affect me, with me.  I raged that doing things for others (kindly and joyfully, btw) is keeping me from doing things for myself.  I raged that our financial situation is bad and that no one will hire my brilliant hard working husband in what seems to be a job market just hurting for people.  I listened to guided meditation, and music.  I thought happy thoughts.  For the first time ever, I could not intercept the negativity.  

I thought all the raging might give me a heart attack.  I posted a snarky comment on my FB wall, then deleted the whole thread hours later.

I think I finally fell asleep after 4:00 am.

I thought about popping an Ativan, but since I haven't taken them before, I couldn't do it.  A middle of the night rage attack is not the time to try a new drug, in my mind.  If tonight is the same, however, I will not hesitate.

I got about four hours of sleep.  This morning my family asked what I want for my birthday.  I said nothing because we don't have any money, and that is breaking my heart right now.  One because I love my birthday; I feel so pampered every year; and two because I realize how incredibly selfish I am for feeling sad that I have to say I want nothing.  So funny that when we were "poor" before, we were soooo rich compared to now.  I could feel people looking down on us before.  It's probably the same now because they don't know the difference; poor and living in the NE is probably all the same to those who aren't and don't, no matter the "poor ness" of the income.

My family is fighting and yelling at each other as I sit in my bed crying and typing this.  My daughter's friend who slept over has gone home because of the yelling I'm sure.  With just her and her mom at their house, things are much quieter there.

I want to quit everything I've committed to and restart from scratch.  This  includes quitting quitting Cipralex.  It's so much easier to live with rose coloured glasses and no feelings.  I can't live in denial without the drug.  Hopefully I've been off a short enough time that adding it back in will not produce the nasty start up side effects.

Cheers to being fat and indifferent.

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