Sunday, May 18, 2014

Lonely moment

It's amazing how alone I feel sometimes.  Most of the time I don't think about it and it doesn't bother me, but some days it just hits me, hard, and knocks the wind out of my sails.


I don't feel that I have much in common with anyone.  Even with those I'd count as my closest friends...I just don't feel like I belong.  When I do start to think I have found something special, whatever I thought I saw fades quickly, and I'm left feeling like a fool.


I have never had that friend I could call up at any hour.  I've never felt safe enough around a person that it is comfortable for me to let them see me cry (other than hubby, which I still struggle with even now).


It seems like everyone has this...except me.


I don't know what I'm doing wrong.  I love people.  Every single person.  No matter what.  I know my values and stick to them.  I am self confident and strong and content with life.  I know what I stand for, and I stand up for it.  Is that what it is?  Do these things alienate me?  Where can I fit if I don't love wine or spending money just because or playing online games or cooking or drinking coffee or cussing or watching TV or drama?  When I have too many or not enough kids, or the 'wrong' genders? Where is my place if I am rich in a poor neighbourhood but too poor for the rich neighbourhoods?  What if I prefer to scrimp and save so that our family can live on one income rather than trying to navigate two jobs and childcare and management of a fancy house in limited time?  What if I love Jesus but love homosexuals too?


Where do I fit?  I accept all, but who accepts all of me?


Most of the time I am fine in my loneliness...I embrace it, it feels good.  But the other times, I just wish I could know what it feels like to have that bosom buddy friend.  Someone to hang out with, have fun with.  Be spontaneous with.  Regular and frequent fun.  Memories.


Someone for whom my change is not necessary.  Someone who loves me, good, bad and ugly, who doesn't attack me or walk away the second I say or do something they don't expect from me.  The second I share too much, by their standards.  I am human.  Unrelatable, perhaps, but still human.


I know lots of great people.  I have lots of Facebook friends.  Lots of acquaintances.  And little in common with anyone.  How can that be?