Monday, December 29, 2014
My hubby asked what I needed with the intention to drive anywhere it took to get that elusive thing that would make me happy. I didn't want anything.
I tried to look out the window so noone in the van could see my tears.
Later I found out that my boy, who was sitting behind me, saw. And he cried too, because he thought that I was crying because of him.
And then I cried some more.
Here it is, the end of the year, and I can feel myself going down, down, down.
It is ridiculous that I have let things get this bad when I know better and when I still remember how bad things can get.
I am weary. I first noticed it a while before Christmas break started. I sat down in church, in a rare opportunity to be in the service, and I felt in that moment that I was at the end of my every energy, and that I could not take another step.
"Just get to the Christmas break," I whispered to myself. "You can make it. You can rest. Renewal and refreshment will be there." And that became my mantra for the rest of the month.
Unfortunately I got to the break and those things I'd promised myself were not there. The break is almost over and I still have not found them.
It hurts my heart to realize that I have had only one day alone with my family members.
As for rest, there was one day that I sat on the couch and did little else (not that I could do much else around dealing with the unwelcome vengeance of my monthly visitor). Even when a friend and her son came over that evening, I was still sitting on the couch, still in my pajamas. It seems that just one day was not enough.
I have let my health go. Let the supplements go, let the vitamins go, let go of keeping balance in meals. I haven't made time to get to the gym, and my sleeping has been crap - it's the holidays, I can stay up late, right??
Too much sugar, not enough water. Pain in my back and side that reminds me of this constantly.
Not enough faith. No desire to seek or serve or read or pray.
No desire for community, but trying to muster energy to reach out to those most important to me because alienating them would be a huge mistake.
Here I am at the bottom, looking at a fresh new year. Picking and choosing what parts need immediate attention...the minimum that I need to rebuild my floor so I can step up to the next floor. My heart is greedy, but my brain will keep it in line. I've been here before, and I know.
Thursday, December 25, 2014
By 5:00 am, I was in full-on panic mode and my hubby was stirring. He asked if I was okay and what he could do for me. Water and my Ativan. I am so so glad that I thought to throw it in the suitcase just in case; I don't usually carry it with me anywhere.
I didn't feel like it did a lot for me - not quickly at least - but by the time the kids were up around 7:00, I was feeling well enough to be away from the garbage can I had nearby just in case. By 2:00 pm I could eat again.
Friday, December 19, 2014
Zero lates, zero absences.
He is so so very proud of himself, and I am proud of him too! I remember all too well begging and pleading with him to go into the school, to go into his class. I remember sitting in the corner of his classroom knowing that the second I got up to leave at our pre-agreed upon time, he would come running over with tears, pulling on my arm so I would stay. I remember trying to be firm with him, and to keep my patience. I remember fighting tears because I knew all too well how he felt and the pain of knowing that I was making it temporarily worse by walking away.
What an amazing boy I have. He is so strong, so determined.
I asked him how he did it, and he shrugged and said he just did it. I know that he still feels anxiety before heading to school every single morning. I can see it. But he takes a deep breath and says, "Bye mom!" and runs out the door and across the field to his friends. He tells those feelings to piss off every morning, and I think they do. And I'm glad.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Monday, September 15, 2014
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Sunday, May 18, 2014
It's amazing how alone I feel sometimes. Most of the time I don't think about it and it doesn't bother me, but some days it just hits me, hard, and knocks the wind out of my sails.
I don't feel that I have much in common with anyone. Even with those I'd count as my closest friends...I just don't feel like I belong. When I do start to think I have found something special, whatever I thought I saw fades quickly, and I'm left feeling like a fool.
I have never had that friend I could call up at any hour. I've never felt safe enough around a person that it is comfortable for me to let them see me cry (other than hubby, which I still struggle with even now).
It seems like everyone has this...except me.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I love people. Every single person. No matter what. I know my values and stick to them. I am self confident and strong and content with life. I know what I stand for, and I stand up for it. Is that what it is? Do these things alienate me? Where can I fit if I don't love wine or spending money just because or playing online games or cooking or drinking coffee or cussing or watching TV or drama? When I have too many or not enough kids, or the 'wrong' genders? Where is my place if I am rich in a poor neighbourhood but too poor for the rich neighbourhoods? What if I prefer to scrimp and save so that our family can live on one income rather than trying to navigate two jobs and childcare and management of a fancy house in limited time? What if I love Jesus but love homosexuals too?
Where do I fit? I accept all, but who accepts all of me?
Most of the time I am fine in my loneliness...I embrace it, it feels good. But the other times, I just wish I could know what it feels like to have that bosom buddy friend. Someone to hang out with, have fun with. Be spontaneous with. Regular and frequent fun. Memories.
Someone for whom my change is not necessary. Someone who loves me, good, bad and ugly, who doesn't attack me or walk away the second I say or do something they don't expect from me. The second I share too much, by their standards. I am human. Unrelatable, perhaps, but still human.
I know lots of great people. I have lots of Facebook friends. Lots of acquaintances. And little in common with anyone. How can that be?
Friday, April 4, 2014
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
There has been a lot that has happened. Mainly, I've begun a slow decline back into feeling gastroenterologically horrible at least some of the time and have considered returning to my "just stop eating" ways, especially since the weight is continuing to pile on. I am now a long way from the 93 lbs that I started at - a robust 124 lbs. I don't like it. I have been fighting the food fight, and have tried to focus on going the other way - making sure that I am meeting the daily recommendations for nutrient intake by eating more fruits and veggies.
I have remained on my regular dose of Cipralex (5...mg...right?). A few nights ago I fell asleep before taking my pill and the next day I felt fine and stable. I considered attempting the 'one every other day' thing I did for a good chunk of last year, but then I found myself weepy over a song and weepy over a blog post that did not call for weeping in any way, shape or form. 5 per day it will stay. I think I am kind of coming to terms with the idea that I will likely take Cipralex for my whole life. Rather than "curing" me of anything, it seems to just give me that extra tiny boost my brain needs to be emotionally normal.
I started a new job a few weeks ago, and since then I have been exhausted. I could sleep and sleep and sleep, and I do end up spending most of my free time at least sitting in my bed. I am always tired and always cold, and my house is always cluttered and messy and that depresses me. My room is my sanctuary. My bed is comfortable and my electric blanket is warm.
I have cut back on Frosters, from one per day. I don't have a set goal, other than to drink fewer than seven per week. The past few weeks, I think I've been averaging about 3/week. So far this week, I've had one, but it's only Tuesday.
I've been great at keeping up with my morning supplements - I never miss them!
That's about all. More than anything, I'm just tired. I wish I could not be so tired.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Anger, tears that I won't release. Punches that I cannot throw. Yelling that was stronger than the dam holding it back.
My oldest and third born children do not get along. Never ever ever ever ever. There is always one of them walking by the other and throwing a kick, a tap, a shove. There are always nasty teasing faces and noises meant to annoy the other. There is always something.
It never stops whether we are getting ready to go out, we are in the van, we are eating dinner or playing video games or board games or walking somewhere or putting on boots to go to school. It doesn't matter if they have friends over or if it is just our family at home.
It doesn't matter if it is Christmas or someone's birthday or if one of them has given his life to Jesus and dedicated himself to serving God all his days.
These two will never be friends as adults. I've said it over and over and I still believe it 100%.
Today the older one started it. He wouldn't let up. He did something to annoy the third-born, who responded by throwing a box. The first kicked back, there was tripping and tackling and stealing of boots. There was complete ignorance to my requests to JUST STOP because they were going to be late for school.
I am very proud to say that not one single Fbomb fell from my lips even though my mouth was full of them.
I had to pull my oldest OFF of my third-born and hold him so he could put his boots and coat on and go to school.
My oldest fought me so I held tighter. He freaked out and tried to get away. After all was said and done, I walked away with a hurt knee and no glasses. I told him to find them for me and pick them up. That he did - and then threw them at me and they bounced off me onto the floor. I picked them up...bent nosepad from when he smacked them off my face, so they didn't fit right anymore.
He told me he was not going back to school and I did not care.
I got my kindergarteners to their door, and came back home. Told him I would call the police if he came near me. He went out the door "to school" but came back saying all the doors are locked and he can't get in. I told him to go to his room and I don't want to see him this afternoon. He can wait to discuss with his father.
I am sharing this for many reasons. One, as a record that it occurred. Two, because I want people to see that life is not all lilacs and cherries for us. Our kids are not angels. They challenge us every single day. And I know that in recent years they have finally started to break away from their "perfect angels in public" personas, but people used to discuss with me in amazement at how well-behaved and loving my kids are. They would look at me in disbelief as I told them stories of fighting, tantrums, and holes punched in walls.
I was talking with some friends recently and we were sharing our parenting struggles. A couple of us were discussing how people don't tend to share the parenting times that are not so good. There is fear out there. Fear of being judged, fear of the law, fear of losing friends and relationships. Other people struggle too; there is no reason to have to shove parenting struggles down deep and suffer alone; by bringing it to light, talking about it, hearing other people's struggles...there is relief there.
Right now we are still in the cooling off period, but I know by tonight everything will be back to normal, and I know this will happen again at some point. It's not the first time, today.
I really wish that there was some way to end this feud between brothers, but I have not found anything that works even a little bit yet. It has been going on for years, and in all honesty, their relationship is the one thing that I can say is and has been the very worst thing that I've had to deal with in my entire life. Nothing makes me feel the way that having to defend one of my children from another one of my children makes me feel.