Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Heartache

My heart is consumed tonight by an ache so strong that my whole being yearns for relief from it.

My sweet third-born also suffers from anxiety, at the young age of 7 years.

He and I have always had some sort of special connection that I don't share with my other children, and as the years go by, more and more things happen that reinforce this.

Tonight as I sat with him in the bathroom, he - exhaustedly hanging his head in the toilet, just in case, and me - sitting on the floor beside him just being there, he asked me the question.  My question.

"Why do I always have to feel not good?"

Then, through tears:

"I just wanted to go to bed tonight.  And feel better.  So I could go to school tomorrow.  Like a normal day."

I know.  

I know.

:(

And now he is fast asleep on my bedroom floor, hugging a bowl, just in case.

Looking way too big for the boy we know him to be, and at the same time, too small.

Way too small to be feeling such big feelings.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Upheld



The Lord makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in Him;
though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord upholds him with His hand.

Psalm 37:23-24

Today marks twenty days since I reduced my dose of Cipralex from 5mg/day to 5mg every second day, and things are going very well.  There were a few days at the beginning that I almost changed my mind.  Moments of anxiety.  But they always ended up being mere moments that passed quickly, and by the time it would be time to take the med the next night, I didn't want to.

I have come so far.  I remember thinking that I might need to up my dose to the regular therapeutic dose instead of staying at the starter dose.  I remember how bad it was.  I remember thinking that I would never again live without Cipralex because of the enormous change it helped me make.    And maybe I still will be taking Cipralex forever.  But as of right now, I can imagine that one day I won't need it.  

My outlook lately has been happy and light.  I have felt so great, and it is such a wonderful feeling.  All of the work I have put into myself has paid off, and the results make it so easy to keep going.  I have slipped a little on my vitamin and mineral supplements, but I never miss a day of my fibre supplement or probiotics.  I believe these are the keys to managing my IBS issues.  I make sure to drink 2-3 litres of water per day.  I have relapsed into my Froster a day habit.  I am challenging myself with workouts and exercise challenges.  In fact, today I will do my last P90X workout.  I made it through the whole ninety days (even though it took 97).  I plan to take a small break (if you can call still doing the last week of an ab challenge a break), then will start Jillan Michaels' DVD, Ripped in 30, on June 1.  I will also follow the meal plan that accompanies that, which is something I did not do with P90X.  And the best part - my hubby will be joining me!  He has been struggling with depression himself lately, and now that I have a bit of a foundation in taking care of myself, I am feeling more ready to be a little more supportive to him in his eating and weightloss journeys.

As much as I have been feeling well on the inside, I feel my outsides have been suffering.  I look at my face in the mirror and say, "Ugh."  I just don't like what I see there.  Perhaps it is an aging face.  All of a sudden I am struggling with acne.  I do not like my hair at all.  My face is not pleasing to me, and I can't make it look better with makeup.  In fact, when I put makeup on, it looks even worse.  I sure do like looking at my newly strong and flexible body in the mirror though.  Hopefully my face will get the memo soon, and catch up.

I have more to write, but this is long already so I will save it for my next post (which will hopefully come sooner than later).  I just wanted to say that things are good.  I am recovering from my stumble; feeling secure on my feet again.  And it feels wonderful to be strong enough to lend a hand again to others who might need it.  If this is you, I'm here.  Send me a message.  Let's go for coffee.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Trying something new

Last night I forgot to take my Cipralex pill. I took it tonight and I just might forget to take it again tomorrow night. We'll see.