Friday, March 1, 2013

Another Negative Post

Ugh.  I hate that I am posting negative news twice in a row here, but I'm trying to keep a record, and I guess stuff like this happens.

I have had a really tough week.  I feel like the goodness of last week pushed this one down even farther.  My husband has been sick with some sort of respiratory garbage.  My youngest son was home from Monday to Thursday with influenza.  My daughter did not go to the Wednesday night activities my children all attend.  All of these combined meant that I did not get one second of alone time for almost an entire week.  Even after bedtime I had children coming downstairs to pester me for things until as late as 9:30pm.

Last night I could not take a full breath.  I coached myself using the techniques I have come to know so well, and it did not help.  I could not relax my muscles.  Despite being exhausted, I could not stay asleep...I would fall asleep for awhile only to wake up because I was clenching my jaw so tightly it hurt.

And this morning I woke up with respiratory garbage too.  Thanks dear hubby.  :P  I tried to ignore it.  I tried to pretend I was fine and I used my two hours that all four kids were in school this morning to do all of the errands I haven't gotten to this week, and I went to the grocery store and the drug store and spent way too much money on herbal remedies for chest congestion and on super foods to try to boost up all of our immunities.

And right now I am sitting in my dim, quiet living room with that huge lump in my throat that yells, "PANIC!!"  and feeling tired and dehydrated and a little bit afraid.  I know that I am sick.  But this sick feels a heck of a lot like a panic attack.  And as much as I try to tell myself that I am fine, my tired brain says, "but what if it is serious and you aren't fine?"

I am afraid that my dose of Cipralex isn't working anymore.  That my good days would be good whether I took it or not.  I am afraid to up my dose to 10 mg because that is double what I am taking now, and I would have to deal with all the start up side effects again.  I don't want to do that.  But I kind of want to try going higher.  Just to see.  It is a conundrum.

I did not do much in the way of P90X this week, and I hate that.  I was on such a great roll last week.  Monday I got down on the floor to do pushups and I hurt my wrist bad enough that I couldn't use it for the rest of the day.  I decided to give it another day to heal.  The day after that I hurt it again, wiping the table.  Do you know how much of P90X you can do without using your wrist?  Not a whole lot.  I tried the first two days to workout and just skip past the parts that included weight on my wrist.  I tried to do Yoga with only a bit of pressure on my index finger/thumb area.  It was frustrating and difficult, and eventually painful.  The next day my thumb hurt as well.  Tomorrow is Kenpo and I know I can do that one.  I am looking forward to it.

This week we finally got started on family counseling!  The idea was that my hubby and I would go in without the kids so we could discuss freely the issues and all get on the same page of what our plan of action would be.  Well, finding a babysitter was impossible, so I changed the appointment and it ended up that all six of us went in together.  It was very squishy in the little office, but it went really well.  The counselor was great with the kids and when they got distracted and bored, he was able to pull them right back into what we were discussing by taking notice of what they were doing and joining in.  He even had our oldest lead us in song, and he joined right in.

So I am struggling but putting in the effort to incorporate the suggestions that came out of our counseling session this week into our lives.  With the illness, it has been really hard.  And instead of doing my workout for today I am sitting here typing this update so that I can hopefully sleep well tonight and let go of whatever it is that is messing with my body.

I will do some stretches and settle into my warm bed and hopefully sleep well tonight.  Tomorrow is a busy day - I have a meeting in the morning and my youngest son has two parties to be at in the afternoon.  My hubby will work his usual 13+ hour day and come home exhausted, and hopefully not sicker than he has been.  It has been over two weeks now since he has been well, and he has taken one half day off of his jobs.

In addition to the workload, he has his accounting studies to keep up with.  In the past, he has taken time off from studying through tax season so that he doesn't have to try to memorize facts through exhaustion.  However, everything is changing with the accounting certification and he no longer has the option to take time off from his studies. And this sucks.

We are just two too tired parents.  Working hard and hoping for something good to come of it all.  LOL  Like most parents, right?

I have also fallen off the "eating enough calories" wagon, and I can really feel it.  The problem is, when I eat, I feel too full to take a breath.  That makes me panic...and around it goes.

I never imagined that I would have a problem holding everything together.  I used to be good at this doing everything, cheerfully, and making it look easy (or so I thought) thing.  But I can feel the 'fine balance' becoming evident to myself and others, and I am at the point where, as much as I want to, I wonder if it would be wise to push it.  I used to be game for pushing the limits (I WANT to be game for pushing the limits), but I haven't been my old self for quite awhile, and my new self that I don't really know (or trust) yet asks, "is it really the right time?"

I just don't know.

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