Friday, February 22, 2013

Bad Day

Today is not a good day.  There are just too many things piling, piling, piling and it is getting to be too much for me.

It's funny, I have never felt more alone than I do right in this very second, but at the same time all I want is to be alone.  All by myself, making choices for myself.  Doing what I want to be doing without feeling guilty about what I am not doing.  I want to be with people that I want to be with and not people that I have to be with.

I have never felt so close to getting help and answers and so so far away at the same time.

I hate that I need other people.  I don't want to need anyone.  It would be so much easier then, wouldn't it?

My heart is breaking for a friend whose son was diagnosed with lymphoma yesterday.  Out of the blue, out of nowhere.  He is the same age as my youngest son.  His mom a single mom.  He has two brothers too, like my boy.

I hate that I don't want to hug my kids today because they are making me so angry.  I hate that I want a break from them.  So so badly.  I hate that I can't get it.

My husband is sick and working his butt off anyway.  And still trying to make sure that the kids do something other than fight and turn the house into a disaster area in ten seconds flat.  All my hard work.  For naught.  When my husband can see it happening, then I know it has gotten bad.  I wish he and I could run away together.  We 'get' each other so well.

I wish I had boxes and bags to carry through the house and fill with stuff to get out of here.  Today my house feels way too small.  Too cluttered.  Too garbagey.  I wish I could just get rid of almost everything and leave it empty and silent.

I have finally reached the weight goal I set for myself.  Yay.  I feel happy that I can eat without feeling sick.  Yesterday I couldn't button my only clean pair of jeans.  I know I should be okay with it, but I am not.  I feel like a fat blob now.  Why can't I just be happy about this?  I thought I set myself up to be okay with it.

I am sitting here paralyzed in sadness and confusion.  I think I'm going to order pizza for dinner tonight because I don't have it in me to cook.  I hate that I have to share it with the kids and that it will be a reward for them...rewarding their bad behaviour.  But I can't not feed them.  I know the laws.  :P

I'm sure it doesn't help that I didn't sleep last night and my period is due tomorrow.  But today I am low, and I am struggling and I wish that my kids would just do things my way for once, to keep the peace, to keep my plans, to keep my schedule.

They have lost their electronics privileges and guess who is punished by that?!?  I'll give you a clue - it is not them.

Just four hours until bedtime!

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

P90 X

Yesterday I officially started the P90X workouts. I am joining a group of women who are doing the workouts as well, and we are offering support to each other.

So far I'm feeling the burn but it's not too bad. This morning even though it hurt for me to put my arms above my head I still managed to get groceries, change the water jug on our water cooler, and do everything else I had to do on this crazy busy day.

I still have to take my before pictures. I must remember to do that tomorrow when it's sunny. I am really excited to compare them to the end pictures after 90 days.

Today was also that magical day that I finally got to see a counselor. After a search of almost 5 years, I think that I finally found someone who will work with our family. Next week he will see my husband and I together, and after that we will start to bring the children in. I am also looking forward to seeing benefits from this.

Today I did experience some anxiety with IBS side effects. It was right before I left to see the counselor (funny right?). I am once again starting to wonder if I am figuring out a way to manage my anxiety on my own, or if the low dose of Cipralex is helping. I don't think I'm ready to cut back quite yet.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Cipralex 3 months, 1 week

I wanted to update monthly about how I was doing on Cipralex, but I missed the 3 month anniversary of starting it.

Last week I had a LOT of anxiety.  I have to say that my new lifestyle (and Cipralex, likely) has really cut out my panic attacks.  I do still have anxiety on a regular basis, but I very very rarely get to the point that I am sure I am going to die any second.  I got to that point once last week, but it was short and passed quickly (before Cipralex, it sometimes lasted up to an entire day).  And other than that one time, I can't remember the last time it happened since my body has grown accustomed to Cipralex.

I went for my annual (though not really annual) physical last Thursday and I checked out all fine.  The doctor gave me a prescription for a Cipralex refill and told me that my BMI is a healthy 21, but she'd like to see me gain five more pounds.  I am hovering right now in the 109-110 lbs range, and I am so proud of myself for making it here!  That is a gain of 17-18 lbs since I decided to really work on it in November.  Yay me!

This week has been totally different from last week, and on two occasions I have forgotten to take my pill at the general time I take it.  One night I almost went to bed (at midnight!) without it.  I know I am getting better.

My husband is fully into his season of working two jobs and while I am proud of and supportive of him, I am feeling the transition and the shift in schedules and life tension.  He is exhausted already, as he is still getting used to the long days, and this year will be a touch harder for him (and therefore me) as he has committed to working out as many mornings per week as possible, and has made the decision to hammer through his accounting (degree?) starting now until it is done.  And keep up with his shows.  ;)

I often think of February to May as my alone time, because I feel the kids and Jon relying on me heavily for things and there is no one to share this responsibility with.  It isn't necessarily a bad thing in my mind because I enjoy my quiet evenings in the silence of my house, and the rest of the time, I am so overcome with busyness, I don't FEEL alone.  However, if I take myself out of the situation and look into it at myself, it makes me sad for some reason.  I see that my friendships do suffer during this time.  My social life.  My hobbies.  For the rest of the year, I can pass things off to my partner.  But other than him, I have no one to share the responsibilities, no one to confide in, no one to hang out with and watch TV.  No one else to cook dinner.  LOL

Today I had a nice morning visiting with friends, but when they left, I found myself irritated by my children asking me for this, that and the other thing.  They are off school for Teachers' Convention today and tomorrow and for Family Day on Monday.  I am thankful that I am well enough to take them out of the house tomorrow, Saturday, Sunday and Monday, and hopefully keep them busy enough that they won't be bored (and irritating).  Thanks to Cipralex, thanks to the library and internet for helping me research what I needed to know to get better, and thanks to my mom for getting me through those first couple of awful weeks.  :)

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Update and Weigh In

I haven't been here in awhile, and I guess there hasn't been a lot to report.

I've had some mild anxiety that I've tried to not really pay attention to - throat lumps, shortness of breath, pounding heart.

My dreams lately have been very family-centered.  I had one a few nights ago that had my grandma (who died in 2008), my grandpa, my parents, my brother, my husband and I and our kids all under one roof, and since then, every dream has had my family in it.  I am realizing that my original core family isn't here.  We aren't close enough, and it's a funny realization because we haven't been all together (on a regular basis) for years.  My mom, my brother and I, though, we were a team for so many years, just the three of us, getting through stuff together.  I miss us.  And the plans now are that I will spend 6 weeks total at my parents' home this year.  I am hopeful that they and my brother will spend time at my home too.

I have been experiencing some IBS symptoms coming back, and I know it's because I am falling away from what I have established to be good for me.  LOL  I really need to be more diligent in taking care of myself (again), but the better I feel, the less I try to stay on track.  It's getting easier to keep up with the supplements because I have been feeding them to my husband for the past few days too.

I am on track, however, with adding socializing back into my life!  In the past two weeks, I have been out of the house or had friends over most days, and I made up tea dates that I had to break all the way back in November due to anxiety.  I have missed my friends so much!  Last Saturday I took one boy to a birthday party at a mall and then hung out around the mall for 1.5 hours with the other three kids until he was done.  I didn't panic.  I didn't get frustrated or angry or exhausted.  Yay!

I've been feeling very blah about cooking lately.  I don't want to cook, and when I do, I don't want to eat it.  It looks yucky, tastes yucky.  I'm trying, but food = yuck.

Probably not surprising that I am not really gaining so quickly anymore and am at 108.5 lbs.

I think that's about it.  I've been trying to write this post for over an hour now, and keep getting distracted by kids and the TV, and now it is bedtime for the four littles.  So I will end it and if I remember what I planned to write in here, I will come back then.  :)