Sunday, January 27, 2013

Bad Dreams and Weigh In

I will start with the weigh in portion...I weighed in this morning at 108 lbs, only two pounds away from my goal of 110. I know that I haven't truly gained 15 lbs, but I've given up on the number of the old scale and am purely going by our new digital scale's report.

 My weight has been going up and down a lot the last couple of weeks, and I have really fallen off my routine. I need to be more diligent as I'm starting to see major regression in the way I've been feeling.

My breasts have really been aching the past while as well; I have a feeling that the weight that I put on is floating straight up to my top.

I had a huge bout of rushy anxiety on Friday morning as I ran around trying to get supplies for my son's birthday party and groceries for my family for the next two weeks. I was very happy to have my hubby to help me out since he didn't start his work shift until 3:00 pm that day. He was able to help me out in the morning, then catch a couple hours of sleep before starting work, while the kids and I cleaned the house.

The day was good anyway, and the party was wonderful. There were a few incidences of rough and wrestling boys and some tears, but since I have three boys of my own, it did not faze me in the least. Seven boys, one girl, one me...great evening!

I was writing about my dreams here for awhile and I don't remember if I typed it on here or said it in real life, but I was thankful that even though my dreams have been crazy, they have not been scary or sad. Until last night. Last night was bad dream after bad dream. In the first one, one of my sons died. I can't even describe the feeling. I felt like part of my body was missing. I hated going anywhere because my friends either were too weepy and huggy or ignored me completely. Taking my daughter to outings and preschool was horrible. This was the longest dream. I kept waiting for him to come back. Heartbreaking, wrenching, sobbing.

My second dream had a couple of friends and I striking up a deal with each other. One night per week, they'd come to my house and make dinner for my family. One night per week, I'd go to their house and make dinner for their family. Well, on my night, I got to their house late, I couldn't find the ingredients I needed. I ended up serving them bread and a tortilla because they had to rush out to an activity. They were SO MAD at me.

I can't remember my third dream clearly as a total story, but I and some or all of my family went to see a movie where you had to lay on the floor and watch it projected on the ceiling. But first you had to drink this strange drug-infused beverage. I refused, and that caused a bit of a stir. After the movie, my hubby and kids and I walked down the mall that we were in to a Tim Horton's type kiosk and asked for donuts. They didn't have the ones we wanted, so we walked a bit further down to the next Timmies kiosk and ordered six jelly donuts. At that point, in my dream, I remember being relieved that my son wasn't dead because we had ordered six donuts. I don't know that all six of us were there though...I don't even know that I was there.

It was hard to open my eyes this morning. I do have to say I had a small tingle of fear go through me when the son of my dream, who rises between 6:30 and 7:00 every morning, was still fast asleep when I woke up at 8:15.

I hope to re-find my routine this week. Please.

Oh, side note...I found a counselor and did the intake phone interview for our family. I am afraid of the cost and stressed about the idea of needing to drag a few family members who don't want to do it, with me. I feel like my family is not "bad" enough to need this but at the same time I know that so many of us could benefit from counseling. However, to spend the money when some aren't on board seems wasteful.

I wish that getting healthy didn't cost so much. Sometimes being a part of a family reminds me of doing group projects in school...I was always great at working with others, but sometimes I just really wanted to do it myself - easier.

Onward and upward we go.

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