Sunday, December 30, 2012

Weigh In and Stuff

I love to watch the show, The Biggest Loser.  I find it motivational and inspirational, and I love those moments where people who didn't know each other before make a special connection based on their compassion and support for each other.  Well, when a contestant drops into the 100s, they are excited to announce that they made it to One-derland.  I've always found it corny and silly, until this morning.  I stepped on the scale, as light as I could be and lo and behold...100.  I am at one hundred pounds.  Three digits.  One-derland.  And I am so pleased, happy and full of joy to be here.  100.

Our Christmas break has had its ups and downs mood-wise for me.  Most nights I am sleeping for between 10 and 12 hours.  This makes me feel a little guilty, because I am an 'up and at 'em' girl, and normally sleeping in tends to make me headachey, grumpy, lazy and lethargic (somehow that has not been the case lately though).  On the other hand, I feel like I should take the extra rest while it is possible and hope that it is a part of my healing and that it does me good.  We have had some great family time, but I feel that we should be getting out of the house and doing fun things too - swimming, sledding, bowling, skating...  However, I just don't feel up to that; I am thoroughly enjoying just being home. We spent a couple of days at my hubby's brother's house and by the middle of the second day I had reached my limit in patience.  There were too many people around, I was not comfortable, I had not slept even close to enough, people were arguing and I really just wanted to be alone somewhere quiet.  It was a fun Christmas, but I was glad to be at home that night.

This morning for the first time in a very very long time, I put my contacts in.  It seems like something so small, but to me, for some reason, putting in my contacts seems like a huge chore, and even before the anxiety, I would tend to only wear them once or twice per week.  Once for church, and once if I was going out with friends.

I also put on makeup.

Unfortunately I am still not feeling 100% about my appearance; a couple of nights ago, I bit into a piece of pizza and a front tooth broke off my top denture.  Of course right near Christmas and of course on a Friday evening.  I have an appointment to have it repaired on Monday morning.  I'm hoping for an easy, inexpensive fix and to not hear, "Well, it's about time we replace this whole denture," because well, dentures are pricey and now is NOT a good time.

I wanted to share a bit about what I have been clinging to through this whole anxiety journey I've been on.  At the beginning, I was scared.  A few years ago I was given the awesome gift of a trip to Cuba.  One night I took a walk down to the beach with my sister-in-law to check out the dance party going on there.  As we walked along the shore, I stared out toward the horizon and saw nothing.  Complete darkness.  Only black.  And it stirred fear up in me.  Fear of the darkness, fear of the greatness of the ocean, and fear of its power and fear of what it contained.

I felt that again when this anxiety came upon me.  It came so quickly and with such strength and no answers about why or how it was happening.  The one difference between feeling it while standing at the edge of the ocean and feeling it while trying to live my everyday life was that standing at the edge of the ocean, I could say, "The ocean is big and strong and powerful, but God is bigger than the ocean.  He created it.  He commands it.  I don't have to be afraid of this."

In the throes of anxious days and panic-filled nights, I had no sense of God.  I know that He was, and is, there, but my heart and my mind didn't automatically call out to Him like they normally do.  I felt like I was being pressed down and He was not close.  There were no more spontaneous prayers, I had to struggle to feel grateful for my blessings, I started to become jealous of others who are living life without fear and anxiety - taking their kids to events, having coffee dates and playdates with friends, going to movies and theatre productions - and posting pictures and statuses about it on facebook.  I stopped reading facebook.

I have to admit that I do not read my Bible enough.  It has never been something that has come easily to me and it is something that I wish I could be better at, but I just never make it happen.  My boys, they are fabulous Bible readers.  They know their stuff, and I am so proud of them for that.  I knew that I had to find a way to feel God working in my life again, and since searching the Bible seemed like such a huge task, I turned to music, one of my great loves.  One Sunday when I just couldn't bring myself to drag me and the kids to church, I went on YouTube and searched for songs.  Worship songs that could help me, reassure me, push me to call out to Him.  I made a playlist and since then, I have listened to it many many times.  Some days I have listened to it over and over and over.  My playlist has been my thing to cling to.  The words are words that I can sing when I have no words at all.  One of my favourite phrases, and one that I have repeated over and over in my heart comes from the song, 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman.

"Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes."

If you are interested in checking out the playlist, you can find it here.

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