Saturday, December 22, 2012

Cipralex Day 46

The comforting goodness that I had settled into seems to be leaving me.  I don't know if it has to do with me not eating as much as I should or if it has to do with me messing with my supplements or if it has to do with me changing my medication time, but it's sucking.

Today I am short of breath and my chest is aching.  I just feel weird altogether.

Last night I had panic attack symptoms when I went to bed.  They were intense; I thought that I was coming down with a stomach bug.  I was so nauseous that even my husband moving in the bed sent my queasiness into overdrive.  I was so hot, which never happens, and then so cold.  My heart was pounding away in my chest.  Thankfully, I fell asleep rather quickly despite the movement I felt the room making every time I closed my eyes.  It was awful.  I was praying, "Please, God help me to be healthy and well.  Please let me fall asleep quickly."

I slept in this morning and then lounged around my bed for awhile after that.  I skipped all supplements, even the ones that I make a point to NEVER miss, and I am spending the day in my jammies.  My chest is aching and I am so thirsty.  I have already drank a litre of water this morning.

Tonight I'm going back to taking my Cipralex with dinner.

I am trying to make arrangements in my head for all that needs to be done for Christmas, everything that cannot be forgotten.  It is stressful and I've tried to make it easier on myself by buying rather than baking, but a lot of the stuff just has to be done, stressful or not.  My hubby and I have made arrangements to make things easier for us as well, and I am so thankful that he is pretty laid-back and will go with pretty much anything I suggest, as long as it is logical.  Which I mostly am.

Yesterday I went out to get a few last-minute things and stopped in at my favourite jeans thrift store.  They sell much more than jeans, but I only like them for their jeans.  LOL  The last pair that I bought from there a year or two ago finally sprung a hole in the knee yesterday after losing one of the two buttons last week.  Pretty good for a $10 pair of awesome jeans!

Anyway, I went through the racks and picked out some size 2s, a size 5 and a size 0.  I went into the change room and tried on the 0.  It fit, but it gave me a bit of a muffin-top that I think will just get worse as I gain my weight back.  Even though I am trying to gain weight - I WANT to gain weight - it made me sad to see that.  The size 5 and one of the size 2 jeans were gigantic on me.  I took the size 2 that was "good enough" and paid for it and left.  $6.99.  Hopefully it'll do me for awhile.

Today I am feeling low.  I feel like I need to do *something* but I don't know what.  No energy to run away to a tropical island, don't really want to be alone, but don't want to have to deal with people.  My hubby struggles with vacation time because he is always so busy he can't just sit still when he finally gets the chance, and also the kids get on his nerves very quickly with their antics, and him being frustrated makes me frustrated too.  I send him out on errands to give him a break, but then I have to deal with the kids on my own while I imagine my hubby out enjoying himself in the company of other adults.

I guess I'm in the best place right now, just sitting alone on my couch in the silence by the beautifully lit up Christmas tree that holds so many cards full of good wishes and thoughts for our family.  Electronics have been banned for the day, and the kids are off on another floor playing some camping game that they are making up as they go along.  It's the best gift ever when they just get along.  I suppose I should go find myself a snack and get back to the laundry since I can.

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