Sunday, November 25, 2012

Cipralex Day 18, Goodbyes and Weigh In

Last night we drove my mom to the airport so she could get back home in time to return to work.  It was sad to say goodbye, but I knew she couldn't stay forever, even if I wanted her to.  Her being here for the past six days was exactly what I needed, and I am so glad that she came, even though I told her not to.  Having my mom here to be a support to me through my normal day-to-day routine really helped me to get back on track, and to "stay in the game" with all that we have going on here.  I am so thankful for and blessed to have such an awesome mom.

This morning I woke up anxiety-free.  I did not have any flashies behind my eyelids.  My heart did not race, even after I went back to bed after getting up to use the bathroom.  I think the Cipralex; mommy-love; prayers, thoughts and support from all of you is really working.  Thank you, thank you, thank you all.  <3  I have appreciated every note and comment that I have gotten from so many of you encouraging me through this time.  Thank you for sharing your experiences and compassion with me.  Many people have let me know that they think I am brave for sharing all of this, but I don't feel brave.  I feel like I am asking for help, and I most certainly have gotten it.  I hope that anyone else traveling this journey will be touched to know that you are not alone.  I know that I am not alone, and I hope that this blog radiates support and love, from all of you  through the words that I type to each of you, if that makes sense.  :)

This morning's shower was the first shower I have had in months that did not fill me with anxiety.  I did my hair and makeup without feeling weak and needing to sit down in the middle of it.  While I was faced with an old IBS issue this morning (the idea of having to leave the house used to always trigger my bowels to move; now it doesn't all the time, but today this did come up), I made it out of the house in a timely manner with all four kids in tow and we made it to church on time.

I am feeling hopeful again, and I have a new energy to declutter my house and organize my life, which really signals a return to normal for me.  I have to say, I am a little tentative about getting my hopes up that I am going to stay feeling good, but today I feel better than I have in longer than I can remember.

One of my biggest struggles lately has been dealing with my children's behaviour.  I have heard that 10-11 year olds go through a phase that is not a fun time for the parents, but it is all of them that are just misbehaving way too much for me to deal with all at once.  The 10 year old cannot pass a sibling without punching.  The 9 year old has a potty mouth and is trying to keep up with the angry energy of his two brothers.  The 6 year old is impish and unable to sit still.  He has a need to outright defy any request asked of him, just for kicks.  When he gets into trouble for it, he turns into the Hulk.  The 4 year old is mostly sweet, but has been quite clingy through this time, mirroring my low-energy moods.  She says that she feels ill when I say I feel ill.  I try to hide it, but it is hard.  My hubby has also noticed that she will be chipper and happy and fun...until I enter the room.  Then she is a mopey, whiny mess.  Fun times for me.  I have gotten tons and tons of compliments on my children's behaviour from so many people.  I was puzzled about how the kids could be so impressive with their actions for others but not for me.  This weekend, after my 10 year old spent the day with another family and my 9 year old spent the day with his grandma, I figured it out.  They are great one on one.  Each one of them is.  I do not know how to fix this so that they will be good four on one, which is how most of our life is.  Me and them.  Is it even possible?

My hubby has been stressed by all this too, and he has been battling his own frustration and impatience with his co-workers, students, the kids and the world in general.  He has not been feeling well health-wise either.  I really think that a trip to a nice wellness resort would be great for our family.  Do those even exist?  A warm and sunny vacation with nice healthy meals provided, activities that teach the kids compassion and how to get along with each other and obey their parents, exercise facilities, massage and relaxation sessions, unlimited babysitting...aaaaah.  What a dream come true that would be.  We all have two straight weeks off together over Christmas that we will be spending at home together in our 1000 square foot townhouse condo.  At least one of us is not especially looking forward to this time.

Today I weighed myself to check on my efforts to gain weight.  Since I started keeping track of calories on Monday, November 12, I have gained three pounds, and am now a solid 96 lbs.  I hope that going into the Christmas season, my weight gain will continue and the pounds will be much easier to pack on.  I hope to be able to do some real high intensity cardio one day.  Funny the things that you miss.  For now I am sticking to high intensity stretching.  LOL

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