Friday, November 25, 2016

Failure

I'm failing.

I'm failing at it all.

Feeling so so very low tonight. 

Everything is a mess.

Two boys were home with influenza all this week.

My girl is fighting it now.  We are currently missing a concert after bailing on my commitment to drive some youth (including my own) to our church youth group's annual video game tournament.  I had to back us out of a luncheon with the newest member of our family that is taking place tomorrow.  A sweet baby boy, only a few days old, and his amazing mama and the rest of their clan.

I think my body is fighting the germs hard...I slather myself with Vicks every night and listen to binaural beats for full body regeneration as I fall asleep at night.  I pray for healing.  I stay on top of my Tylenol Cold and Flu meds and push through to get stuff done.  I try to take naps if I can.

But the truth is...it's not working.

Some things are getting done, but none of it is the stuff that is important to ME.  None of it is self-care.  It is the stuff that is important to everyone else, and tonight I feel like I just have hit the bottom.  Day two of my period, which I sigh and refer to as hemorrhaging day.  It exhausts me so much to lose so much blood.  I can't get to the gym the week of my period because I get sick from pushing my body when it is so exhausted (not that I've been able to make it to the gym at all this month...).  You know, I have gotten two ultrasound requisitions to get this checked out; the first one about 1.5 years ago and the other more recently.  I still haven't gone.  The main reason:  ultrasounds cannot be booked online.  And also, other people always need my time and attention; I can't commit it to an appointment.

My home is a trash heap; junk everywhere.  I work on one place all the while stressing that I am not working on something else and turn around and there is still more.  There is not enough space for the stuff we need to live.  There is never an end to a job; never satisfaction of a clean area. Never peaceful rest.

My children are far far behind in their school assignments.  Some days they don't want to get up and go to school.  And I just don't have the energy to fight with them anymore.  Luckily their test and exam marks do not reflect their lack of discipline to get it all done.  I don't have the energy to fight with them about anything.  Not school, not homework, not video games, not bedtime, not eating, not brushing their teeth, not showering.  I remind them every day to clear their dishes from the table, which sometimes they do, but my hubby never does, and he actually is annoyed when I remind him, so I bother with that less and less too.

Our finances are a mess.  This pay period I had to transfer money from our line of credit to our chequing account THREE times.  And payday is still five days away.  And we're about to have house guests and tons of in and out of town travel.  And one boy needs dress pants that don't exist and the other two need jeans (I think) and we need groceries and it's Christmas.  And I'm not working a lot because there is so much else going on and our house is falling apart and our family needs me and I'm getting phone calls, emails, notes asking me to volunteer for stuff more than once per week.  My work needs me too; everything is an emergency in the payroll industry.  It is draining.  For awhile, I'd feel a jolt of panic everytime my phone buzzed that an email came in.  I'm not working enough. 

I'm not doing enough for anyone.

Friends have been helping with stuff in little ways here and there and while I appreciate it so so much, the truth is, I don't feel worthy of their assistance.  I feel like I should have this.  I should have all of this.  I should be helping THEM.  And I should be making it look like it's all a breeze for me.  And I can't right now.  And I can't see a time in the future that I'll be able to repay the favours either.  So, when help comes, I feel worse; more burdened.

Everything is such a mess.

So messy that even though I have doubled my Cipralex dose, I am sitting here actually crying as I type this.  With real tears.  I'm not gonna lie, it's been awhile since I've been able to cry.

I've always had all the answers. 

And now I don't.  The future of every part of my life looks dark and hard and like every step will require me to break through a brick wall just to be able to take the next step.

And I know that as I struggle and search, people are becoming impatient and frustrated with me.

And the thing is, I don't care.

And that makes me sad because I want to care.  I used to love all the people so much...

And now, I just can't.

Writing this all out has lifted it from my heart, and now I'm going to sit with my girl and watch a movie while I fold the laundry and think about nothing else.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Sick

Well, my body has reached the end of its tolerance for bad diet and little exercise. I have slacked for too long on consuming my all-important supplements of probiotics and fiber. 

On Friday, on the way to my connection group potluck dinner, my body fell into the start of a panic attack.  The nausea kept me from eating much of anything, and the headache showed up later that evening.

The headache and nausea continued through all of Saturday, all of Sunday, and was so bad Monday that I tried to stay in bed. On Tuesday I forced myself to move around and go about my regular schedule. By Wednesday I was able to eat again without rushing to the bathroom after every bite.  The headache had cleared on Monday night, after I forced myself to eat no matter the consequences.

Now it is Thursday. The panic intensified on Tuesday night and last night, and today I had a small rush of chilling anxiety as my bowel filled and I had the urge to go.

I recognize this pattern. This is how it all started. My panic would convince me that I was too nauseous to eat anything. Then the headache would come in because I was starving myself. In the past I would resort to drinking only water during this time. However, I have learned that starving myself and drinking only water is not the right answer. It's not the right way to treat my body. It's not a healthy choice mentally or physically.  I know that I need to push myself through the entire process.

But it's hard. 

The battle between what I know and what I feel must always end in a casualty. Someone has to lose. And when my mind is already overwhelmed with everything else our family of six does in one week my mind loses.  My body loses.

This is the story of my anxiety in a nutshell.  And this week has been me forcing two small meals a day, cutting out pop and cutting back on slurpees, going to bed early, and falling asleep with headphones pumping guided meditations into my brain.  I'm taking probiotics and a multivitamin and fish oil and vitamin D.  I'm using my happy light and blankets and my hot pack and electric blankets and drinking tea.

And my husband is doing everything he can so I have less.  I can't express the appreciation I have for him this week. How blessed are we that this panic hits while he is between courses so all I need to focus on is work, cooking dinner, and taking care of myself!

I'm riding this one out and praying that it is finished soon.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Thursday

Thursday is always the busiest day.

I've always had a soft spot for Thursday.  I sometimes wonder if it is because I was born on a Thursday, or if it is because my favourite things have always happened on Thursdays.  

The first thing that pops to my mind is orchestra rehearsal.  And then choir.  In my teen years, I did music on Thursday evenings, and it was always so wonderful to be able to immerse myself in music.  To socialize without having to talk.  To be with people and not feel the stress of having to select just the right embarrassment-free words.

Through my parenting years, Thursdays have always been school performances and council meetings, and now, marching band for my teen.  I think that he has found his own Thursday love.  And it is because of music.  And that makes me tear up a little, because my heart can relate.

Thursday also holds that great feeling of anticipation.  Friday is soon.  The weekend is soon.  There is a sense of relief in that for me.  Even though our weekends these days (these years) are full and not relaxing in the least, the general consensus of people is that weekends are great, and something to look forward to.  I can feel that, even in not sharing the same eagerness to wrap myself in all the weekend has to offer.

Perhaps the relief comes in the fact that even though I don't get a break, the kids do, and overall, that means less work for me.  Because shuffling extra people about is some of the hardest work a mom has to do.  Now that my kids are old enough to be without constant supervision, there is freedom for me to rush around on my own, completing tasks and errands in half the time it used to take.

But, I digress.  Thursday is here.  Happy, cozy, hopeful, relieving Thursday.  Cake for dessert and then a council meeting and marching band to follow.  Comfort.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Birthday Post

Well, today is my birthday.  38.

Do I feel 38?  I don't know.  Maybe.  The number looks foreign to me, so maybe not.

This morning I slept in until 8:00.  My teen came to my bed to wake me up with a cuddle and the smell of bacon cooking called me downstairs.

My family greeted me with hugs and smiles, like every morning, and I sat down at the table to eat the most delicious eggs and bacon on a cheese croissant that I have ever eaten.  I was gifted a beautiful paper boasting that I was the best mom ever, with reasons written all over it.  There were more gifts - candy for my sweet tooth and beef jerky for my carnivorous side.  And the declaration of approval for something more, to arrive when the time is right.

The kids who were well headed off to school, and the one who needed to stay in bed, did.

Before he went to work, hubby and I had a long chat session as he folded laundry and I sat, doing nothing but listening.  Our weekly catchup sesh, distraction free.

I took a long, hot shower.  I didn't rush it, and I kept turning up the hot.  And then I took a long time doing my makeup.  My hair is beyond help, but we have a system worked out.  I spray leave-in conditioning protectant on it, and it does what it wants.  Win-win, really; it works right into the "whatever" attitude I'm trying to adopt.

Work happened next, and I managed to get an hour in before I was whisked away for a yummy pho lunch with my mother-in-law and my littlest cutie nephew, who has always reserved a special look just for me.  No words, just a little eyebrow crinkle and intense eye contact.  I managed to get a few high-fives (well, high-ones...)  from him and almost a smile, so I think he might be softening.

For dessert, I had a gummy spider from my gift candies.  Sweetest spider I have ever eaten.

I went out into the cold for a drive to the bank (to take out $20), the slurpee store (to break the $20), and to meet up with a friend who was selling me supplies to feed my addiction.  My stamping addiction.  I blasted the heat in my van until it was burning my hands, but my feet would not warm up.  Note to self:  October is sock weather.

Back home again to fit more work in before the kids would arrive home.  On the table next to me, my phone buzzed non-stop with happy wishes and kind greetings from my friends and family.  I am so thankful to have the most thoughtful and kind people with me on this life journey, inspiring me, challenging me, supporting me.  I didn't get a lot more work done.

I watched some TV with the kids, and when they switched to video games, I headed to facebook, to messenger, and to my texts to thank everyone for the happy birthdays.  I know facebook prompts the happy birthdays, and each one is precious to me.  Adult birthdays are just not the same as kid birthdays; just another day like all the rest, really, with all the same responsibilities.  It's nice to have people taking time out of their day for a little note of love.  I think I need to focus on doing this small act more in my own life; I've not done it for awhile now.

My hubby brought home Wendy's burgers for dinner, and I realized that in one day, I had eaten all the animals.  Chicken and pig for breakfast, chicken for lunch, and cow for dinner, with a little more pig.  I think that the meat I ate on this day is more meat than I have eaten over the entire last month combined.

After dinner, I went to drive my boys to the Y for their activities, and as I was waiting to turn left out of our alley, a guy threw himself up against the passenger sliding door of my van, and then walked along the rest of the block flipping me the bird.  I was in shock for a second, thought about chasing him down the sidewalk...in my van...but then settled on driving slowly along beside him blowing him kisses, because that was less likely to get me jail time.  He walked with his middle finger up on one hand, and the other hand covering his eyes.  Even as he crossed a side road.  Crazy.  I think he was afraid I was going to take his picture.  Guilty, much?

The rest of the evening was low-key.  I hung out with my new stamp set, made a couple of cards, drank Coke and drank water, and facebooked a bit while my hubby did laundry (best gift ever!) and baked my birthday cake (we'll eat it tomorrow).  I am heading to bed earlier than normal because I am exhausted and nauseous.

38 so far...lots of meat, cold, love, and an early bedtime.  I'm feeling older already.

Saturday, September 3, 2016

Today

Today I

Did a MuscleWorks class
Did a Step class
Drank a Slurpee
Sat in a sunbeam
Ate pizza
Hung out with my stepdad who has worked hard on our van for a month so we can be safe
Ate cake
Played mini golf with a friend 
Had dinner (that my husband stepped in and cooked when plans changed) with my brother and kids and stepdad and hubby
Learned about my van's transmission 
Went school supply shopping
Drank two cans of Coke
Drank four cups of water
Took my pill
Watched a movie with popcorn and candy
Am sitting under my warm electric blanket
Am about to meditate

Friday, September 2, 2016

Cursed

I just Googled "how to remove a curse".  For real.

I'm out of ideas to make any of this better.

One thing after another this year.

I'm realizing that not only am I bad at decision making, but I also consistently make the wrong choice when I finally get there, and I'm letting people down.  People's lives who touch mine are affected.  It is both intriguing and nauseating to watch it play out.

As a leader of my family, how can this be remedied?  Obviously, as tempting as it is, I can't just do nothing forever.

I can see how people who have no one relying on them can get lost in the depths.

I know my Christian friends are thinking that I need to trust God more.  Maybe I do.  But I am looking at the brokenness around me and seeing pain and heartache and hard times and a world of not enough.  Not enough money, not enough health, not enough relationships, not enough patience, not enough love.  It is blackness.  And it is thick.  And God's light is not illuminating the blackness.  And I don't see him anywhere.

And maybe I don't want to.


Monday, August 1, 2016

Up

This past week has been perfectly lovely.

On the way home from our vacation, we were able to meet up with my mom and uncle, who were traveling the same journey in the opposite direction.  We all had lunch together, and everyone made it to their respective homes safely despite weather and construction.

It was a relatively smooth week at work with enough tasks to keep me busy.  It was nice to come back and chat with my co-workers, and I also had a work visit from a friend who I hadn't seen in a very long time, and don't see nearly enough.

Having my kids all back home after a month away feels really good.  While I wasn't heartbreakingly sobbing that they were away on vacation having fun without me, I did notice that life was a lot less fun without them around.  They are sweet and generous lights in my life, and I love to listen to all they have to say all the time, and also really missed their hugs and help with housework.  LOL

I got to workout with my fave workout buddy twice this week, and giggle over texts about our inability to walk down stairs painlessly.  The best kind of hurt.

Hubby and I took some friends and co-workers out for lunch, to my favourite restaurant.  It is great to go out together and sit and chat; we lunched with another co-worker the next day.

I got some great news this week, that has me just so excited for a family member and new beginnings!

My kids all got to hang out with their best buds, which fills our home with an air of happiness.

My friend and neighbor did some fancy henna art on my hand while we visited.  I have been wanting to get some henna art done for probably three years now, but didn't know where I could get it done.  Now I know exactly whom to ask, and that great conversation is part of the deal.

My teen treated the whole family to snacks and drinks to sweeten up our movie night.

The lows:  A sinus infection that I've been battling for 4+ weeks now has become more than a stuffy nose and an occasionally sore ear, and now I have to actually do something about it.  

Hubby driving past the house that was almost ours on the day we should have gotten possession and seeing the sold sign.  

News from a friend recovering from surgery that she has a new infection.  I've not yet found a way to help out, and I wish I could brighten her day a little.  Maybe prayer is the answer.  

And speaking of prayer, I recommitted to seeking Jesus this week.  I have felt so lost in this regard for so long now.  Our church is currently meeting on Sunday evenings in a home, so I thought I'd attend a big church service somewhere on Sunday morning to be just surrounded and immersed in God's glory, with people praising out loud and a different style of sermon delivered from a different pastor.  All this to see if there could be any spark ignited...  I left the church service downhearted, flat, and feeling badly about myself, but at the same time, another part of me fighting the voice that was dissing me.  

Our own church service and visiting was awkward and uncomfortable.  I need to find a way to feel comfortable in God's church community again.  I used to belong there.  I know I'll keep trying, because He is part of me.  I hope the comfort will eventually return.

My YMCA pass expired recently and this week I tried to renew it.  I was surprised with the fact that since our financial situation hadn't been reassessed in over a year, I could not renew my pass or use it anymore, effective immediately.  The knowledge that we are much "richer" now than we were when we originally applied, and knowing that we will still not be able to afford to pay full price kind of hit me in the heart.  I brought in new application documents the next day, and am eagerly awaiting the news to know if I'll be able to return.

Finally, it has been a big week for breakups in my circle of acquaintances.  Tonight is Monday, and I've heard of three since Friday, and of one shortly before.

Despite all this, the positive has ruled my week, and I was strong enough mentally to own the idea that we are not moving from this condo and it is time to start unpacking all that we packed up.  I sold exercise equipment (which was taking up space that can be used for something more important to us).  I let our generous friend know that her garage will be emptied of our things by the end of the month.  

With hubby's help, I have started down the path of creating a less-chaotic school year for our family, and will be working to make our new normal happen by September.  Less money, more life is the current plan.

There will be goodness in this coming week, and it's already started with tentative plans with my besties, and with my hubby stepping up to fill in for me in a volunteer position that I signed up for but don't want to do.  He really loves me, sacrifices for me, and he loves our family fiercely, and we are so blessed that he is ours. <3